When You're Gone
by OLHrocksursocks
Summary: Two months after Campbell Saunders commits suicide a distraught Maya Matlin finds out she's carrying his child.
1. Chapter 1

"Oh my god… This has to be wrong." I whispered staring down at the white stick in my hand.

Tori peeked over my shoulder. "Another positive…? Maya, this is the fifth one! I'm pretty sure it's not wrong."

We were supposed to be at lunch but instead we were standing in the girl's bathroom at Degrassi.

I groaned and threw the stick in the trash not even worrying about anyone finding it. My life was over… over! My musical talent wasted; my future down the drain.

"Maybe you should go to a doctor or something to be sure." Tori suggested looking unsure.

"No!" I demanded running a hand through my blonde hair. Going to the doctor would just make it that much more real. I wanted to stay in denial, just like I had stayed in denial about Cam's death.

Cam… Campbell Saunders… for a minute I let myself fade back into our last night together before he… before he was gone.

* * *

_**2 months earlier**_

I was all settled in across from Cam in the living room but I just couldn't get to sleep. I kept sneaking looks at him, his eyes were closed but I wasn't sure if he was actually asleep or not. I was waiting for Katie to fall asleep. She was the deepest sleeper in the world and once she was out she was out.

Finally I figured I had waited long enough. I got up and went over to the couch where, I could now tell, Cam was not sleeping. I sat on the edge and shook him gently.

"Cam wake up…" I whispered. I saw a smile play on his lips but he kept pretending to sleep. "Alright I guess I won't have sex with you after all..." I mumbled getting up.

He immediately sat up and grabbed my arm "Wait what?!"

I turned around and smiled at him. "Shh you'll wake up Katie!"

"You're kidding right?!" He asked looking shocked.

"Maybe or maybe not" I answered. I _had_ been kidding at first but… here we both were, alone, and he just looked so cute! Suddenly it seemed like a good idea. Before, Cam hadn't showed any interest in me like that, but our relationship had changed a lot since then…

"Earth to Maya" Cam said waving a hand in front of my face.

"Uh sorry" I mumbled, shaking my head.

"Is everything alright?!" He asked me looking concerned.

"I'm not," I took a deep breath "Kidding. I mean… about sleeping with you. Er… I guess I was at first but now I'm not so sure that it's a bad idea…" I was babbling like an idiot now, so sexy Matlin… that'll turn him on for sure.

Did I really just think that?! Oh my god what is wrong with me right now?!

"Well… Maya… I care about you a lot but…" He started but I didn't want to be rejected.

I shut him up with a kiss. We kissed for a while, but suddenly Cam broke away.

"Maya…" he whispered to me "Are you sure you're ready?"

"I've never been so sure of anything in my life." I answered with a smile.

I kissed him again and then pushed him down into the couch. Suddenly he did a 180. He was no longer unsure but powerful.

He was powerful yet still gentle as he flipped me over so I was now underneath of him. He nearly ripped my clothes right off of me.

Neither of us really knew what we were doing so I just let him take control.

I just remember running my fingers through his hair and him holding me afterwards.

"Maya I have to tell you something…" his voice was soft and thoughtful. I looked up at him just in time to see a tear escape his eye. I reached my hand up and wiped it away. "This is the happiest moment of my life. I've never felt like this before. I love you Maya Matlin, more than anything else in the world."

I smiled even though I wasn't sure how I felt about him saying that.

I mean we had both just given ourselves to each other so I should've been able to say everything right back to him without a second thought. But I wasn't sure. By the time I opened my mouth to tell him I loved him too I heard him start to snore. I didn't want to wake him up, but I also didn't want Katie to find us in a compromising position. So I got up slowly and retrieved my clothes. Once I was dressed I went back over to the other side of the room and fell asleep.

When I woke up in the morning he was gone… I had never told him I loved him too.

* * *

I hadn't even thought about protection until I realized I missed my last two periods. Of course I had realized this after Cam was gone. So I went to the only person I could go to. Tori and I got the first two pregnancy tests yesterday after school and the last three before school today. I tried to ignore the judgmental look of the clerk who rang us up both times but I couldn't help but see it in my mind now as how everyone else was going to look at me after they found out.

I'm just a freshman and I'm having a baby, everyone's going to hate me.

Tears welled up in my eyes. "What am I going to do Tori?!"

"I don't know…" she answered honestly.

Then she pulled me into a tight hug and let me cry on her. She promised me that she wouldn't tell anyone with the exception of Tristan. We went back to class like nothing had happened. I spent the rest of the day holding back tears.

* * *

I looked at the clock, it was past midnight and I hadn't slept a wink. I kept running my hand over my stomach.

I felt so guilty and sad that I couldn't bear to be alone anymore.

Finally I got the nerve to go to Katie's room. I knocked on the door lightly and she opened it a few minutes later.

"Maya are you okay?!" She asked worried.

I hadn't realized I was crying again. I wiped my tears away angrily.

"I need to talk to you Katie…" I sighed "It's about Cam."

"Come in," she said ushering me into her room. She was still up herself. Her computer was on and her phone lit up with a text from Marisol.

I couldn't hold it in any longer, as soon as Katie shut the door I blurted it out "I slept with him Katie… we had sex and now…" I stopped and looked up to Katie whose mouth had dropped. "Now I'm pregnant" I finished.

"Oh my god Maya, please tell me it wasn't the night I let him stay here?!" I stayed silent and she shook her head frustrated. "I trusted you Maya! You're only a freshman, what were you thinking?!" She hissed.

"Katie!" I said tears dripping from my eyes. "I know it was wrong but I don't regret it. I just don't understand why… why can't he be here to help me through this?! Why did he do this to me?!" I was sobbing now. I threw myself down on her bed.

Katie sat down and rubbed my back gently. "Shh I'll help you get through this Maya… you have options you know. But first we need to tell mom and dad so they can get you the help you need."

I sat straight up. "I'm not getting an abortion! I can't, this is all I have left of Cam!" As the words came out of my mouth I realized they were the truth. I ran my hand over my stomach. This baby inside of me was half Cam. Cam was gone for good but I could take care of this baby. I could at least give Cam that much.

"I never said you needed to get one!" Katie said putting her hands up in defense. "I just can't believe my baby sister is pregnant…" she put her hands down defeated.

"Mom's going to hate me… like she doesn't already have enough to worry about! I'm supposed to be the good one!"

"Mom is not going to hate you, she's going to help you, I promise." Katie soothed.

I sighed suddenly wanting to be alone. "For now I just want to go back to bed…"

"Alright goodnight, but we're talking to mom in the morning." She called after me.

"Yeah, yeah" I waved her off now suddenly very tired.

When I got to my room, I laid down on my bed and whispered into the air that wherever Cam was I loved him and I was going to take care of our child no matter what.

* * *

AN: Hey I really hope you liked it. If you did review a lot and another Chapter will be up soon! I loved Campbell Saunders. I thought he was a wonderful and complex character. I can relate to him and also to Maya but for very different reasons. So they are obviously my favorite couple on Degrassi yet. :)


	2. Chapter 2

My dad set a plate of eggs and bacon in front of my face and I couldn't help but gag a bit.

I pushed it away "I'm… I'm not all that hungry I think I'll just head to school." I said staring at my lap.

Katie elbowed me under the table and I shot her a dirty look. It had been weeks since I told her I would tell my parents about my pregnancy, I still hadn't.

My stomach lurched once again and I knew I was gonna puke. I stood up and excused myself, then ran to the bathroom. I made it there just in time.

I felt someone pull back my hair and rub my back softly. Once I was done retching, I flushed the toilet and leaned my head against the cool porcelain.

"Maya you need to tell Mom and Dad." Katie pushed, tying my hair back just in case.

"Why not tell them after I go through hell at school today?" I suggested, immediately undoing my hair and letting it fall in my face.

"Maya you can't keep putting it off you'll have to do it eventually."

I lifted my head "I will. So get off my back about it." I stood up and pushed past her. She followed me to my room.

"Maya if you don't tell them I will." She demanded.

I grabbed my bag and pushed past her once again. She followed me all the way downstairs.

"Honey, are you okay?" my mom asked me when I passed through the kitchen. I nodded. She moved towards me and put a hand on my head "You're really pale and feel clammy are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine mom; I just don't feel very well. I need some fresh air." I answered her, heading for the door. "I think I'll walk to school today."  
I looked over to Katie who was standing on the other side of the room with her arms crossed. I ignored her and left without another word.

* * *

The walk to school was somewhat relaxing. My nausea cleared but my thoughts didn't. The familiar route just made me think about how Cam used to walk me to school; it made me feel even more alone.

I met Tori and Tristan and pretended to listen to what they were chatting about. Finally the bell rang and I could get to 1st period.

I had made it all the way to 4th period when the nausea hit me again. I was just trying to focus on history. I figured that maybe if I closed my eyes it would just go away.

"Ms. Matlin! Can you tell me who was assassinated in 1896?" I heard the teacher bark at me.

My eyes fluttered open and I opened my mouth to tell him the guy's name, but instead of an answer coming out of my mouth, it was vomit.

It was all over my desk and the floor in front of me. I was too embarrassed for words.

"Tori help Maya to the health nurse please and tell Simpson to send a janitor." The teacher spat clearly irritated that I had interrupted his class.

"Yes sir." I heard Tori say and then she took a hold of my arm.

I found myself sitting in the Nurse's office for an hour. Katie finally came in with my mom. She came to me as fast as she could in her chair.

"Maya sweetheart are you alright?! I knew you didn't look good this morning!" She said feeling my head again.

"I feel fine now…" I mumbled looking over at Katie who just shook her head.

"I hope you don't have the flu…" she went on "I heard that's going around."

"Mom I don't have the flu." I said irritated.

"Then what's wrong?"

"I need to talk to you and Dad. When we get home I need to tell both of you something."

My mom gave me a concerned look but I just looked down.

* * *

I tapped my fingers on the table. My parents both sat across from me and Katie was by my side. I swallowed feeling more nauseous than ever.

"Maya Matlin what's going on?" My dad asked in his parental voice.

"This better not be about what I think it's about" My mom added.

Tears threatened my eyes. "I know I'm just a freshman and I know what I did was wrong." Both my parents' eyes widened. "I'm... I'm…"

"You're pregnant?!" My mom finished.

I gave a slight nod. She sat back with the most disappointed look on her face.

My dad however was just plain angry. "Who did this to you? I'll kill him!"

My stomach dropped and suddenly I was very angry. "Well Dad you don't have to worry about that because he's already dead." I yelled.

He froze, Katie grabbed my hand, and my mom spoke. "Oh sweetheart… its Campbell's isn't it." her voice was full of sympathy.

I stood up "Yes… and I'm not getting rid of it. I'm keeping it. I know I'm young and I'm alone… but I have to."

"Maya," My mom said gently "I know you feel like this child is going to be your little piece of Campbell but you have to think of the reality of this situation. You have to think of not only what is best for you but what's best for this baby."

I took a step backwards. "I am thinking about the baby! What's best for it is to be with its real family."

"Maya you have no idea how hard it is to raise a child. It's an 18 year commitment. You're too young to take care of a baby!" My dad said still angry.

"I'll make you an appointment with the doctor I went to when I was pregnant with you and Katie. She'll take good care of you whatever you choose to do." My mom said softly reaching for the phone.

I turned and left without another word and ran up to my room. I slammed my door and picked up my cello. I played my heart out trying to drown out the world.

* * *

The next morning was a tense one. "I scheduled an appointment for you it's Friday after school." My mom informed me.

I nodded and that was the extent of our family's conversation.

Katie gave me a ride to school and I went straight to my locker.

"Hey Zig!" I greeted the familiar face at his locker a few doors down.

"Uh… hey… Maya…" He answered looking awfully uncomfortable.

"Is everything alright?"

He turned and looked at me. His eyes froze on my stomach and he shut his locker quickly. "See ya in class." He yelled sprinting off.

I looked down at my stomach. Oh god there's no way I was showing already. How did Zig find out?!

I took a deep breath. I'm just paranoid, no one knows. The only people who do are my family and Tori and Tristan. None of them would turn on me, would they? Of course not, I'm overreacting.

I smiled at my conclusion and went to 1st period. I kept feeling like everyone was watching me all day but I just kept telling myself the same thing I told myself this morning. I wondered if paranoia was a symptom of pregnancy. I chuckled at the thought.

At the end of the day I had band practice. Whisper Hug hadn't been performing a lot lately. Not because we didn't want to but because all of us were so busy.

I figured once I was with my band mates everything would be fine. But even with them something felt wrong.

After practice I was packing up my cello when I realized Zig was giving me a weird look again. We were the only two left.

"Hey good practice today, you sounded really good on that new song. It fits your voice really well." I said. I was lying, he really hadn't sounded so great on the new song but I just wanted him to stop acting so weird.

"Thanks," He mumbled "You… played good too."

I sighed "What is your deal today Zig?! You keep looking at me like I have four heads or something."

Zig froze and grabbed his bag. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Dammit Zig just tell me what's going on." I said frustrated.

"Alright well it's pretty stupid," he gave a nervous laugh. "There's some dumb rumor going around that you're… you're pregnant. But it's definitely not true right?"

I gave my own nervous laugh "Of course not! I'm 14 years old and I don't even have a boyfriend! You'd have to be an idiot to believe that!"

"Right…" Zig nodded. "Well then see you tomorrow."

I gave him a fake smile and then grabbed my cello and stormed out.

* * *

I found Tristan and Tori at the dot. I went up to them furious.

"Which one of you was it?! Or was it both of you?" I demanded.

"What?!" Tori asked looking believably confused.

"Which one of you told everyone?!" my heart was racing with anger.

They both just looked at each other.

* * *

AN: I know it's kind of sucky but I have some great plans for the future chapters! And don't worry guys everyone's reactions are coming soon and Cam may possibly be making some appearances of his own… Keep reviewing it means a lot! I'm going to try to post as much as I can! Love you!


	3. When It Rains

"Maya we didn't tell anyone! We're your best friends." Tori assured, offering me the seat beside her.

"Yeah," Tristan added "We're here for you; we'd never betray you like that."

I sighed and sat down. I believed them but then how did Zig find out?

"Zig knows…" I told them going from angry to sad. Tears threatened my eyes.

"Zig?! How did he find out?!" Tori asked. She exchanged a look with Tristan and he just shook his head.

"I don't know! He said there's a rumor going around or something. The only other person who could've told is… Katie but she wouldn't do that would she?"

She had been angry at me to the past couple weeks but she would never sell me out like that. Maybe it was an accident? Maybe she told Marisol… Marisol couldn't keep her mouth shut to save her life and if she found out she would tell Moe and Moe would tell Imogen and Imogen would tell Fiona. And so on and so forth, resulting in a rumor. Oh god! My own sister is the reason everyone's gonna know! I'm barely three months along and everyone knows!

"Maya are you okay?" Tristan asked breaking me out of my frenzy.

"I'm fine… I have to go talk to Katie."

I sent her a simple text

_Hey we need to talk._

When she didn't respond, I went home. My mom said she had stayed late at Degrassi to work on a project. I set off to find her. She was the one who told; maybe she could take it back.

I wondered around Degrassi, I kept calling Katie but she wouldn't pick up. I had searched every part of the school. Wait… there was one place I hadn't checked, one place Katie liked to go. The Greenhouse. I had been avoiding that place like the plague since the… incident. There was no way I was going there now.

I paced past it a couple times before finally calling out for Katie. Finally I got my answer.

"What?" she called.

"I need to talk to you." I yelled back.

She came out with a pair of dirt-covered gloves in her hand. "Hey Maya what's up?"

"Are there other people with you?" I asked.

"No," she answered "I'm all on my own."

I peeked over her shoulder at the building. Why would anyone want to be in there alone after what happened?!

"Thanks to you everyone in Degrassi knows." I informed her.

"Knows about what?"

"I'll give you two guesses." I said in a sarcastic tone.

"Maya… I didn't tell anyone. I didn't even tell Marisol." She whispered to me looking me right in the eye. "It wasn't my secret to tell. I don't want this to be any harder for you than it already is."

"But then how did Zig find out?" I asked in tears.

"I don't know, but I'm going to find out for you baby sis. And when I find whoever the hell it was, they're getting their ass kicked."

"Thanks Katie."

* * *

The next morning I was standing at my locker alone when the first comment came.

"Look its baby momma Matlin!" some guy I had never met before called when he walked by me. Everyone in the hallway turned to look.

I could ignore that… some stupid nickname didn't hurt me that bad. But on my way to first period I heard someone behind me say a little too loudly.

"No wonder Saunders killed himself, he saw that naked."

How could someone be so unfeeling, so cruel?

Tears dripped down my face and then the unexplainable happened.

"Excuse me what did you just say?!" I turned around to see Mike Dallas grab some guy and pull him up by his shirt.

"I didn't say anything!" The guy cried.

"Really cause that's not what I heard." He slammed him against the wall. "You wanna be a funny man, go ahead tell that joke again."

"I'll never tell it again, I swear!" He whined, struggling to break free.

"If I ever hear you say anything about Campbell Saunders or his girl again it'll be you who's dead. Got it?" The guy nodded and Dallas spat in his face and dropped him to the floor. The guy sprinted in the other direction, I was pretty sure he pissed his pants. Then Dallas's eyes found me.  
"Maya wait up!" He called.

I just stood there frozen in my tracks. "Hey," he said softly "a pretty girl like you shouldn't let an idiot like that make her cry." He wiped a tear off my cheek. I took a step back.

"What do you want?" I asked him in a shaky voice.

"I just want you to know I've got your back. The whole hockey team does. Cam was family and now technically so are you." He gave me a sad smile. "If there's anything you need, or if anyone says anything to you, you just let one of us know and we'll take care of it."

I was at a loss for words. Dallas was terrible to Cam, I guess he just felt guilty or something. Either way I was glad I had him. He walked me to my next class; I barely managed to choke out a thank you before he disappeared down the hallway.

* * *

"Maya!" Tori ran up to me. I was eating my lunch in the music room as usual. "I found out who spread the rumor!"

"How?!"

"Okay so apparently that morning when we were in the bathroom, Becky Baker was in there too. She totally spied on us! She doesn't deny it either. She keeps telling everyone that you need to find Jesus and give him your baby or something…" Tori explained.

Becky Baker, wasn't she dating Adam? I thought she was better than that.

"Apparently she was going to keep it secret but she confessed what she heard to her dad at dinner, her brother Luke found out… he told the hockey team. Then the dam broke I guess. But it's okay because everyone I've talked to totally supports you and everything." She continued.

My head was spinning in so many different directions. I couldn't make sense of any of it.

"I'm not even all that mad…" I said "People were going to find out sooner or later. I'm not ashamed."

Tori cocked her head to the side "Are you alright?" she asked clearly taken aback by my monotone.  
"I just don't feel very good… more morning sickness I guess."

To tell the truth I didn't really care about Dallas or Becky Baker. I just kept thinking about the greenhouse.

It's funny how the way you see something can change in an instant.

* * *

"Cam… we need to talk." I whispered tears pouring out of my eyes.

"Maya, what's wrong? Is everything okay? Are you sick?" Cam asked nervously his eyes lighting up with fear.

"I'm not sick…" I mumbled. "It's just... Cam, I'm pregnant."

"You're… you're what?" He ran a hand through his hair. "But Maya we only were together once… That can't be possible."

"One time without protection is all it takes." I spat at him, angered by his immaturity.

"I didn't even… think about protection. You're the one who wanted to do it; I figured you were like on the pill or something!"

"I'm fourteen years old, like my mother would ever buy me birth control!"

Cam put his head in his hands then ran his hand through his hair again. "Oh Maya, Maya I'm so sorry… I can't believe I did this to you."  
My temper flared "It takes two to tango you know. It's my fault too."

"No it's not! I should've told you no! I could've stopped you!" His hands were shaking and tears filled his brown eyes. "Oh Maya… I don't deserve you… I don't deserve to live. I ruined your life."

I reached out for him but he was getting farther away. I looked around me, finally figuring out where I was. The greenhouse.

"Cam no!" I screamed anticipating his next move.

"God what's wrong with me?!" He broke down in sobs, I kept reaching for him. I could no longer see his face now, only a rope in his hands. "I'm a psycho, I ruin everything!" He was screaming at me, sobbing, shaking and I couldn't do anything but stand there helpless as he wrapped the noose around his neck.

"CAM NO!" I screamed. "CAM!"

* * *

"Maya wake up! You're having a nightmare."

I woke up in a cold sweat, the covers tangled tight around me.

Katie was sitting at the edge of my bed shaking me. I broke down then, sobbing and crying, as I realized the truth of my dream. I could've done more for him. I could've saved him.

"Katie," I asked "If Cam had known this was going to happen, do you think he would've stayed with me? Do you think he would've stayed for our baby? Or do you think even then he would've done it?"

"I don't know…" Katie whispered "I think that's a question no one will ever know the answer to."

* * *

AN: I was in tears writing her dream. Please review. I'm on a writing frenzy. Any comments good or bad are helpful! Thanks!


	4. Chapter 4

Katie left me a couple hours later. I was lying in my cozy bed just thinking about Cam. Thinking about how I never told him I loved him too, thinking about the way he touched me, kissed me, loved me. How I would never have those feelings again with anyone else. Then my sad thoughts lead to angry thoughts and even to furious thoughts.

Wasn't I a good enough reason for him to stay?! I gave him every single part of me and it still wasn't enough to make him happy. I guess he never could have been happy, not even that night he told me was the happiest moment of his life, the night he put this baby in my belly. How could he leave me like this?!

That's when it hit me. Every muscle in my body tensed and I felt a drop so deep in my stomach it was like a black hole had been placed inside of me.

No one ever told me how Cam killed himself.  
I always figured he hanged himself that night. I liked to think it was a quick and painless death. One minute he was breathing and the next he was gone. Even in my dream that's how he did it. But all of a sudden my gut told me something else, that it had not been quick or painless but long and excruciating, only the work of someone who truly and deeply despised themselves. I decided it was best for me to never find out.

But why, why did he hate himself so much? He was beautiful, gentle, kindhearted, and I loved every single piece of his messed up heart. Didn't he know how much I loved him? No he didn't, because I never told him. I chickened out and now he's gone and he'll never know.

I felt the sobs creeping up my throat and the tears burning my sore eyes. I didn't want to cry again so I swallowed deep trying to get it to go away. All this pain, I just wanted it to go away. Why did Cam get a way out and I didn't? Why do I still have to be here to endure the aftermath?

I ran my fingers over my stomach. I was pregnant at fourteen… I was alone. How was I going to explain to my child where his or her father is? Could I just tell them the truth? That their father hated himself so much he took his life? That he had a mental illness that may be genetic and passed on to them. What was I going to say to my little piece of Cam when they don't understand why he didn't stay for them?

If I gave the baby up for adoption I wouldn't have to answer any of these questions. I could continue to play the cello and go to school and be in a band and the adoptive parents would handle the questions that wouldn't come until much later.

But then the question would be, if my mother loved me so much why didn't she keep me?

What was the answer to that? She was a selfish bitch.

"I'm not going to give you up." I whispered quietly to my stomach. "Never in a million years."

With this resolution sleep finally started to set in. I had just closed my eyes when my alarm clock went off.

* * *

It was Friday, the day of my first check up with Dr. Pierce.

So an overly tired, pregnant me went through school in a daze. Depressed from my dream last night and stressed by the idea of seeing the doctor. I knew all these bad emotions were probably bad for the baby.

My morning sickness had not gotten better at all but if nothing else had gotten worse. I was usually in the bathroom all through first period puking up my breakfast. Needless to say my grade was not the best.

My mom couldn't even go with me to my first appointment so Katie took me. I was really scared. What if all the stress I've been putting on myself hurt the baby. I expressed my fears to Katie while we were waiting for the doctor to come in; she told me that I just needed to relax.

Then there was a knock on the door. "Hi, I'm Dr. Elizabeth Pierce and I'll be helping you through the next couple of months."

"I'm Maya Matlin," I said shaking her hand "And this is my sister Katie."

"I'd know you two girls anywhere," she said with a smile "I remember the day you were born."

Her smile was warm and her words were kind but they just made me feel guilty. Fourteen years ago this women helped my mother bring me into this word. I was just a baby, small, innocent, and I had never been scarred. My mother and father vowed to protect me from harm that day but your parents can't protect you forever. And here I am as proof, a pregnant little girl.

She went through my medical history and did a couple tests.

"How many weeks are you?" she asked.

"Fourteen," I answered, frowning at the irony.

She nodded and smiled "An exciting point in the pregnancy. Now lay back and relax, this may be a little cold." She said smearing some kind of gel on me. I knew what she was doing, I had seen it in movies, but she still explained as she worked.

"This is an ultrasound; you'll be getting these a lot over the next couple months. For now I'm just making sure everything is looking okay, checking on the baby's heart rate and development mostly. Hopefully by next month we'll be able to see the gender of the baby." She was so excited, I was 98% confused. "Have you felt a kick yet?"

I shook my head.

"You will very soon, babies usually respond to sounds they find soothing. Try singing to him or her. At this stage the baby is really coming to life. The baby may even hiccup inside of you as he or she is practicing breathing. He or she even has finger prints."

"Oh Maya!" Katie gasped looking up at the screen.

Finally I looked myself and there it was, a tiny, living, breathing baby. Suddenly everything felt even more real, this was my little baby.

Katie's eyes filled with tears but mine remained dry. I was still awed though by the love I felt for this thing growing inside of me.

"Your baby is developing just fine." Dr. Pierce said as she wiped off my stomach. "Would you like a picture of the sonogram?"

"Of course" Katie answered for me.

"Alright, now there are just a couple more issues to cover." Dr. Pierce continued grabbing her clipboard. "At such a young age, developmental issues are very likely. I don't mean to scare you, but just make sure you are taking very good care of yourself. No junk food, and don't put too much stress on yourself."

I gave her a small nod, like that was going to happen.

"Is the father in the picture?"

I swallowed and looked down trying to ignore the pain in my heart.

"The father passed away a couple months ago… before Maya even found out she was pregnant." Katie answered for me again.

"I'm terribly sorry for your loss." Dr. Pierce said and then she wrapped me in a hug.

This was more uncomfortable than when she put her fingers up my vagina…

When she finally released me she gave me a sympathetic smile. "You're due date is roughly November 22. Can I go ahead and schedule you for another visit next month?"

"Uh yeah Katie could you go make my appointment while I get dressed?" I asked her.

She nodded and she and Dr. Pierce left me to my thoughts.

* * *

When I got home I went straight to my room. Most kids my age went out on Friday nights but I had never been one for that anyway. I was flipping through old pictures on my phone. Pictures of me and Cam before everything went crazy and that's when I stumbled upon the video. The last time I would see Campbell Saunders alive.

"Good morning Maya Matlin…"

Then something miraculous happened. At first I didn't know what it was, the tiny push from inside my stomach. I put my hand on my stomach and waited. It was kicking; the baby was kicking just like Dr. Pierce said and it was kicking at the sound of its father's voice.

I stopped the video and my mouth dropped. I pressed play again, the baby kicked again.

"Katie!" I screamed.

She ran in "What is it?!"

"The baby, come here." I placed her hand on my stomach where I had felt the kick then pressed play on my phone.

"Good morning Maya Matlin…" It kicked like crazy.

"Oh my god Maya! The baby is kicking!" tears filled her eyes once again and I rolled my eyes.

"It'll probably get old after a while…" I shrugged.

"No it will never get old! That is my little niece or nephew in there!" She grinned at me.

"Okay if you're gonna cry can you leave me alone, I don't need stress remember?"

"Right, sorry. I should probably go." She stood up and then reached a hand out and pinched my cheek. "You're going to be the best mom in the world Maya, I know it."

Then she left me alone.

I pressed play on my phone again. This time there wasn't any kicking; I guess the baby got tired. So I just sat back, closed my eyes and listened to the sweet sound of Cam's voice.

* * *

**AN: Hey everyone this will probably be my last chapter until next weekend. I have rehearsal for a play every night this week. That may not stop me though so stay tuned! Reviews are greatly appreciated!**


	5. Chapter 5

I just needed to make it to the band room. I was headed to my usual lunch spot after a particularly hard morning and I really just wanted to be alone. No one was too bad to me anymore though, with the entire hockey team trailing behind me everywhere I went. I was glad they were helping but I just couldn't help but blame them a little for what Cam did, especially Dallas. Of course, it wasn't anyone's fault but Cam's. It was his stupid decision. But still I just couldn't help but resent them anyway.

But that day in the hallway Dallas had seemed really sincere, he genuinely seemed like he cared about me.

Whichever way I was happy most of the hateful words were gone. Of course there had never been any real confirmation that the rumor had been true. I wasn't showing yet and had just kept my mouth shut though the whole thing. Most people had dismissed it by now and those who hadn't were getting bored. Soon there would be some new rumor floating about.

I knew it would only be worse when my stomach grew to the size of a beach ball. But for now I didn't care. I was going to eat my sandwich… try to keep it down and work on some Math problems. Maybe even practice my cello; I wanted to try an experiment.

Finally I reached the door and skipped in excitedly. But instead of looking into the normal emptiness of my safe haven, I was looking at three boys sitting in a circle goofing off and being entirely too loud. Stupid hockey team…

"Hey Mama!" He called to me when he heard the door shut. The other two turned around and waved at me. Owen Milligan, Tristan's brother and Luke Baker.

"What are you doing in here?" It came out a little bit ruder than I wanted it to. But I was irritated.

"Well we invited you to sit with the team at lunch yesterday and you declined so we figured if you wouldn't come to us, we'd come to you. It's much better in here anyway." Owen said nonchalantly as if it wasn't a big deal they were stalking me.

I thought back to yesterday… Had they asked me to sit with them? Oh that's right I remember; I was walking to my locker when I heard someone call my name.

* * *

"Maya, Maya Matlin!" Finally I turned around and was facing Luke Baker.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, the guys on the team wanted to know if you wanted to sit with us at lunch today." He gave me an award winning smile.

"Uh… thanks but I'm going to the music room to practice."

I didn't want to sit at that long table with all those rowdy boys. I pretty much never went to the cafeteria anymore anyway.

* * *

I figured they either were playing a huge joke on me or just felt extremely sorry for me. Either way it made me mad.

"Why are you stalking me? God, can't you leave me alone?! If you feel sorry for me I don't want anyone's pity! You don't even know me!" I didn't even think it just all came out at once.

But it didn't even faze them, they just chuckled at me.

"Seems like that should change then, since you are carrying the next greatest hockey player of all time," Dallas said standing up, the other two followed suit and came over to me. "Look if you don't want us around, that's fine, whatever you need."  
They started to walk out but I caught Dallas's arm. "I'm sorry I was such a jerk. You're just trying to be nice and I'm being a total bitch."

"Whoa there Mama, no swearing in front of the baby!" Dallas said with a grin. I even let out a little giggle.

"Sorry here," I pulled a quarter out of my pocket "Might as well start a swear jar, you may make a million dollars over the next 6 months."

"No wonder Cam liked you so much," Luke said taking the quarter "You're pretty cool."

I clenched my jaw a bit but still contained my smile.

"So does this meaning we're staying here or…" Owen asked seeming annoyed.

"Guess that's up to Mama," Dallas told him.

"Stop calling me that." But the truth was I didn't really mind. The boys had a certain kind of energy that just made you feel happy.

"We're definitely staying…" Dallas told the other two boys and went back to his original seat. Soon Luke and Owen did the same with a shrug of their shoulders.

I stood there for a minute with my arms crossed and then did a shrug of my own and let myself go sit with them. It wasn't ideal, but it was what I had and I wasn't going to argue with having my own goon squad.

* * *

It had been a month and Dallas, Luke, and Owen had become my… sort of friends…? Every day at lunch I would walk into the band room expecting everything to be back to normal. And every day they were sitting there. I don't know why I kept coming. I could've made plans with Tori but she was busy with this new guy she met, he was a senior and I quote "Totes cute!" I could've gone to Zig but… he hadn't been talking to me lately. In fact he had gone out of his way to avoid me. He even quit the band! I quit too, a couple of days after. The band just fell apart. Almost like my life.

One Friday when I walked in it was just Dallas sitting on the floor. He patted the spot next to him and I meandered over.

"Hey Maya," he mumbled. He sounded weird… distant, maybe even a bit sad.

"Uh I think you changed a letter in my name... You always call me Mama, are you okay?"

He sighed sounding defeated. "Ali and I… we're fighting again. I don't know what to do." I opened my mouth to say something along the lines of _I'm sorry it didn't work out _or _there are plenty of fish in the sea_ but Dallas cut me off "But you don't need to worry about that. What's new with you?"

"Well… I'm getting fatter, my mom keeps trying to convince me to give my baby up for adoption, I have nightmares pretty much every time I sleep… oh but there is one good thing, I have a doctor's appointment today after school and they'll tell me whether or not I'm having that star hockey player or a pretty little figure skater." I said with a smile.

"Ugh figure skaters… always hated them, so stuck up." Dallas laughed "Don't you want to be surprised?"

"No, I don't think I can't take any more surprises. I want to be sure of one thing."

"Well you can be sure of another thing too. I will always have your back even if you have a little fairy princess in there."

Our eyes locked for a second and finally I asked the question I had been wondering ever since he helped me in the hallway a month ago.

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

Dallas looked down at the floor dropping our gaze. "I told you, you're family and we never leave one of our own behind."

There it was again, that sincerity mixed with a certain kind of sadness. It reminded me of Cam.

I let out a little gasp of air as the baby started to kick. It kicked a lot lately, god only knows why.

"What's wrong?!" Dallas asked as I put a hand on my stomach.

"Nothing it's just… do you want to feel something cool?" He nodded so I grabbed his hand and placed it where mine had been.

He sat there for a minute looking confused and then his eyes lit up and he looked up to me. "Whoa. You really are gonna be a mama…"

I giggled. "Uh yeah… what, did you think I was making it up?"

"No, no. It's just… whoa like there's really a kid in there. Cam's kid…"

His hand was still on my stomach and a tear fell from my eye and hit it.

"Sorry, damn hormones." I said wiping my eyes.

"It's okay. I didn't mean to say that out loud. I can barely say his name without feeling like shit. I can't even imagine how it is for you…"

Another tear escaped my eye but this time Dallas caught it. We were sitting there, our faces inches apart and for a minute I thought about kissing him.

I couldn't believe my own thoughts. He was so much older than me and he had been so mean to Cam. Cam… that was the thing that kept me away, I moved back and fired another question.

"How come you never asked me if the rumor was true? Why did you just believe it right away?" I asked.

He stayed frozen in the same position for a second and then shook his head and sat back. Had he been thinking of kissing me too?

"Mostly because you never denied it…" He smiled "And because Cam was freaking crazy about you. I figured you two would be doing it sooner or later. Of course I also knew that he was just a sophomore and you were just a freshman so you would be stupid about it. The other guys on the team… they still aren't sure. They just trust me for now. So you may have to admit it to them yourself."

I smiled sadly thinking about how true the part about me and Cam was. But if Dallas knew how dumb we both were then why didn't he give his little rookie a condom? Could've saved both of us a lot of trouble.

I didn't want to tell the rest of the hockey team. I knew they considered themselves Cam's family… but I didn't owe them anything.

Before I could say anything the bell rang. Dallas offered to walk me to my next class but I declined, and he didn't argue.

* * *

"Well, Miss Maya would you like to know your baby's gender?"

I looked over at Katie who had to bring me once again. She gave me an encouraging smile.

I took a deep breath. "Yes, yes I would."

"Okay well it looks like you're going to have a beautiful baby…

* * *

AN: Cliff hanger! What do you want the baby to be? PM me or review with your answer!


	6. Dark Paradise

"Alright guys settle down." Dallas called to a crowded locker room full of rowdy hockey players.

Everyone ignored him. I fidgeted around anxiously. Dallas had dragged me in here Monday after school after I told him at lunch what the baby was.

"HEY SHUT UP!" Owen yelled and everyone did as they were told. Owen then gave Dallas a look and said "You're welcome"  
Dallas rolled his eyes. "Alright guys, this is Maya Matlin. You remember her right?" A couple people nodded "Alright well she has an announcement for you guys."  
Okay now I'm pretty sure this is the definition of torture. I did not want to stand up in front of all these guys I barely knew and tell them about my pregnancy. But for some reason I did it anyway. I just kept thinking it was for Cam, I just wish he was by my side while I was doing it.

"Uh… hey," I mumbled. Dallas gave me a look that told me to speak up. "I'm Maya and as most of you know I'm the pregnant freshman…" I sounded like I was in a support group… "And I just want to tell you that… when this boy grows up he's going to be the greatest player in NHL history and make all of you look like figure skaters."

They all just stood and looked at me for a second.

"It's a boy!" Dallas finally yelled and then they all cheered. Then he pulled me into a bear hug which I really didn't mind.

That was the first time the hockey team really felt like family to me. I mean Dallas kept telling me they were but I had never believed it. But as everyone in that room was congratulating me, I felt close to them all.

"Alright now get out there and get warmed up for practice!"

Then they all cleared out, leaving me just standing there, and then something caught my eye. It was a picture of me taped to one of the lockers.

I stepped forward and peeled it off. Then I opened the locker slowly. It didn't have a lock or anything on it, which I guess was weird but I didn't pay it much mind.

A couple of things were inside, not much; a hockey stick, a helmet, and more pictures of me. Pictures of me… and Cam.

"We couldn't bear to clean it out… and his parents didn't want to either. So no one's touched it." I heard a voice say behind me.

"Won't you have to?" I asked.

"Eventually… at the end of the season, but for now… we keep it as it is."

I didn't even turn around; I just ran my hand down the door. "All his gear is in here, where are his skates?" I asked.

Whoever was behind me didn't answer so I turned around to face them. It was Luke Baker.

"Well?"

"We… we don't know. They just weren't in there." Luke answered me finally.

"Interesting," I took one last look inside the locker and shut it quickly. "I have to go. Thanks for everything you've done for me though, really." I stuck the picture back on the front.

"Anything for family" He said.

I turned and left without another word.

* * *

"A boy? Wow, Maya I can't believe it."

Cam and I were sitting on a bench in the park; I had just shown him my sonogram.

"I know," I smiled. "He'll be a superstar just like his daddy."

"My son…" He was staring at my stomach looking unsure.

"Here," I picked up his hand and put it were his eyes had been. "Talk to him."

"Talk…? To your stomach?" he raised a brow.

"God I hope he gets my eyebrows…" I said with a giggle. "The doctor said that you should talk to the baby, it's supposed to be comforting."

"My eyebrows are adorable and you know it!" He laughed and then got down on the ground on his knees. He leaned in really close, right at my bellybutton. "Hey little man," he whispered laying a gentle hand beside his ear. "It's your dad… um I don't know what to say but… I love you."

He lifted his head up suddenly, his eyes bright and alert as the baby kicked at the sound of his voice.

"I think that's him saying he loves you too." I smiled.

"Wow…" was all he could say.

We were thoughtfully silent for a minute and then he returned to my side on the bench.

"I love you Maya." He said staring straight into my eyes. "And I'm going to take care of you and our son for the rest of my life. I swear it."

I caressed his cheek. "I love you too Campbell Saunders, and you better or Katie will kick your ass."

* * *

I was getting very tired of my alarm clock. It kept chasing Cam away from me. I sat up and looked at the picture of my sonogram on the table beside me. Cam would never get to see it… I had started learning how to ignore the throbbing in my heart lately. But I still felt a bit of this sting. But maybe there was a way I could show him… I knew it was crazy but once the idea was in my head I couldn't get it out.

* * *

"Maya, I don't think this is a good idea." Katie said softly.

"Katie, I don't care if it's a good idea. Just please watch the door and make sure no one comes in."

"Maya…"

"Katie!"

"Fine… but for the record I told you not to do it." She shook her head and I rolled my eyes.  
"I'm a big girl Katie. I have to find closure… maybe this will be it. I mean… it's just a room."  
"Just a room where your boyfriend/father of your child committed suicide" she met my eyes and I knew she was right, this may destroy me. "Just give it to me and I'll take it in."

"No! I told myself I was going to do this and I am. Now watch the door." I turned and ran in before she could stop me.

I looked around me. The greenhouse was beautiful this time of year. It was June and the beginning of summer so everything was in full bloom. It was elaborately planned out too and I mentally gave props to my sister.

See this wasn't so bad, I go in, put the picture down and leave, no big deal.

But I stayed longer than I needed too. I walked around, took in the flowers. I was just about to lay the picture down when I saw it, the stain just in the corner by some beautiful roses. It could've been anything. It could have been rust, for example, maybe the spot was right under a place where the roof was weak and some rain water had gotten through. That explained it.

I mean if it was in fact what I thought it was, which it wasn't, that would be ridiculous. There were plenty of ways to get that out. Don't you think the school would've paid to get it painted over, or god forbid used bleach? Unless Jake the pot head didn't want them to because it would hurt his plants.

Suddenly I forgot how to get rid of that throbbing. But no tears fell from my eyes; instead anger came from my mouth.

"I don't know where you are," I spoke aloud. "But wherever the hell it is, I brought this for you." I lifted up the picture. "It's a picture of our son. You know the one you knocked me up with just before you decided to leave everyone behind? Yeah, we'll here you go." I placed it in the roses near the stain and gently stepped over it. "You're welcome."

I shook my head and left. I walked past Katie without a word and she just watched me go. I knew she was probably thinking _I told you so._

But I didn't care, I wasn't even sad. I didn't even feel angry anymore. Mostly I just felt numb, like I had just lost all feeling.

I passed Dallas in the hallway and he gave me a smile. "Hey mama!" He called but I ignored him.

I was headed towards the band room. I pushed the door open but someone caught it behind me.

"Maya are you okay?"

"I'm fine Dallas, just having a bad morning." I answered.

"Maya…" another voice sounded from inside the room. I looked up.

"Zig…"

"Can we… can we talk?"  
"Oh you're talking to me now?" I shot at him.

Dallas was still standing behind me.

"Can we talk alone?" Zig pressed.

I turned to Dallas.

"You alright?" He asked looking Zig up and down.

"I'm fine, go. I'll see you at lunch." I said, and with only one skeptical look he let the door shut.

"Now… what's up?" I asked, turning to Zig

I actually wanted to talk to Zig. I wanted him to be normal with me so I could just pretend like none of this was happening. I figured he, of all people, could treat me normal.

"I know I was a jerk, avoiding you and stuff. I don't know I guess I was just a bit shocked. I didn't know you and Cam were… like that…" A glint of jealously was in his eye… how ridiculous.

"We were only together once." I told him. "That's all it takes."

He nodded looking uncomfortable "But Maya," he took a step towards me. "I've been thinking about it… a lot; thinking about you and me. And, I could help you… I could take care of you and your son. I heard you're having a boy…" he smiled. "I could teach him how to skateboard when he gets older and I don't know… I guess just be there for you two. So the kid would have a dad."

It was one of the sweetest things I had ever heard and maybe if he had said it on a different day, a day when I was feeling helpless and lost, I would've accepted his offer. But he couldn't help me, he was just stupid Zig. All he cared about was skateboarding and dates, he did not know what it took to be a father. And Cam… god he would just absolutely die if he could hear this.

"That's cute Zig." I said with a mean laugh. "But I don't need help from you, or the hockey team, or even Cam. I can do this all by myself. I'm not just some weak, scared little girl,"_ Lie…_ "I can handle this. So why don't you just go back to cheating on your girlfriends and being so freaking awesome." I stomped out of the room without a look back. I knew that was cold but I was just done.

I just felt like everyone I trusted would just let me down. So what was the point of letting anyone else in? It was just me and this kid. And I would make sure my son knew how to stand on his own.

* * *

AN: Hey so I'm not sure of the timeline Degrassi is on right now so I'm just going to go with Cam committing suicide in February. I love all of your reviews they make my day! And they definitely keep me writing! So keep sending them and keep reading! Any suggestions are seriously considered and very much appreciated. Stayed up all night writing this so school is not going to be fun tomorrow! **Love you! **


	7. Chapter 7

Graduation was bitter sweet. Dallas, Luke, Mo, Adam, Marisol, Katie, Owen, they were all leaving me.

Leaving me to start my sophomore year as a huge, seven months pregnant, moody, Maya.

But for now, I was only five months pregnant and had the next two months of July and August to myself. Or at least that's what I had thought before the craziest idea came to my mind.

I met Dallas at Little Miss Steaks; my question escaped my lips before we even ordered drinks.

"Did you know Cam's family?"

"Oh I'm great Mama, thanks for asking." He rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, just answer me." I used to try to be sweet to Dallas but lately I didn't care much.

"I didn't know them personally. I met his mom like twice maybe. Why?"

"I was just thinking… I mean I met his mom when she came here after… But I didn't know about this yet." I gestured to my stomach. "I want to talk to her, I want to tell her."

"Well I do have his home phone number…" he suggested.  
"I want to tell her face to face."

Dallas sighed. "Alright well you could call her and ask her to meet you here if you want. I just talked to her after the season ended about some of Cam's hockey stuff…"  
"From his locker?" I asked instantly forgetting everything else and remembering that day in the locker room.

"Yeah… how did you…" He stopped and waved it off. "Never mind, she didn't want any of it anyway."  
"What happened to it?!" I hoped to god he didn't just throw it out.

"I took it. I didn't know what else to do with it. It's just his gear and stuff. And I found some pictures too. I didn't know if you would want them or not. I was going to ask you before we left." He answered, pulling the pictures from his pocket.

"I want them" I answered without a second thought. I reached over and grabbed them and then stuffed them in my purse without even looking at them.

Dallas took the chance to call the waitress over and ask her for a drink. I ordered myself a cream soda.

"So how's that little hockey star doing?" He asked obviously trying to change the subject.

"I want to talk to Cam's mom." I persisted.

"Yes, that has been established."

"I want to go to Kapuskasing to talk to her." I continued.

"You want to go to Cam's hometown… You do know its 12 hours away right?"

"I know. But it's more personal if I go to her. I can't honestly expect her to come all the way here!"

"Maya it's not a good idea." Dallas said looking down at the cracks in the table.

"And why is that, all knowing Dallas. Please, share" I rolled my eyes.

"You can't just drop by your dead baby daddy's parent's house whenever you want, especially when it's all the way in Kapuskasing. How are you going to get there?"

"Well… since you have a history I was hoping… you could drive me. And I'll call her and tell her I'm coming ahead of time! It's not just like I'm going to randomly knock on the door!"

"Maya…"  
"Dallas…"

We looked at each other for a minute. I could tell he was resistant but also that he wanted to help me out. He knew that the Saunders's needed to know about me.

"Fine, I'll drive you on your little road trip but only if you can convince Mommy and Daddy to let you go. Which is a long shot if I do say so myself." He said finally.

"I'm already pregnant at 14… what else could I possibly do?"

"Believe me; I'm sure your parents will have a couple ideas."

* * *

The next day there was a knock on the door. I seemed to be the only one who heard it so I answered. It was Dallas.

"What are you doing here? If Katie sees you, she'll kill you for sure!" I cried.

Despite all my efforts to show her he had changed, she still thought he was bad news. She was justified though, that I couldn't deny.

"Oh hush mama… Always worrying…" He chuckled and pushed past me. He just waltzed into my house.

"Sure Dallas, come right in..." I rolled my eyes.

"Nice place…"

"Thanks." I wasn't the one who answered. Dallas and I both turned around to see Katie standing at the bottom of the steps.

"Katie, Dallas was just…"

"Leaving" she finished, crossing her arms.

I had no idea what to do. Arguing with her was pointless.

"Katie, can we talk for a sec?" Dallas finally asked. She gave him a reluctant look. "Please?"

She sighed and led him into the kitchen. They were in there for a while, but I didn't eavesdrop. I just sat in the living room quiet as could be. I was sitting on the couch and oddly enough it didn't bother me. After I accepted that I would be waiting for a while I let myself lean back into the pillows.

I closed my eyes and let myself drift off to that night with Cam on this couch. I remembered every single detail. A smile formed on my lips just before I drifted off into sleep.

* * *

"My parents aren't going to hate you." Cam assured me.

"But what if they do? What if they think I ruined your life?"

We were sitting in the back of Katie's car, she was at the wheel.

"They aren't going to think that. Sure, they'll be a little disappointed in me but… I think they'll be cool about it." He smiled "And I know they'll love you."

His smile made me smile and put my mind at ease.

The next thing I saw was a kitchen table, not too different from mine. At it sat Cam's parents with a solemn expression.

Cam was sitting beside me. He squeezed my hand too tight before he opened his mouth to speak. "Mom, Dad, please don't be mad."

"Oh Campbell how could we be mad at you?!" A smile spread across Mrs. Saunders's face. "I'm getting my first grandbaby!"

His father didn't look as sure but didn't say anything.

"Oh Maya sweetheart, you must be so excited! A little boy too! I remember when Campbell was born. He was so adorable! I probably have some pictures somewhere around here!" She started to stand up.

"Mom, can we not right now?" Cam stopped her.

She sighed and sat back down. "Okay, I'll find them later Maya."

"There's a problem. I can't take care of Maya from here… and I can't stay in Toronto when Hockey season is over…" Cam continued making the smile disappear from his mother's face.

"You want us to move to Toronto?" His father asked. "What about your siblings?"

"You don't have to move there… but I don't know maybe you could get a house there for the summers. Or at least help me get my own apartment." Cam squeezed my hand again.

"Of course Campbell, anything you and Maya need." His mom answered finally. "She is part of the family now. Now come on Maya let's go look for those pictures."  
But I was frozen, I couldn't move, I couldn't talk. I kept trying to, but my body wouldn't respond.

"Maya?" Cam looked at me worried. "Maya… wake up…"

"Maya wake up…" Cam's voice transformed into Dallas's.

I opened my eyes slowly. Dallas was kneeling down beside me and Katie was behind him.

"Looks like we'll be taking that road trip of yours." He said.

"But I'm coming too." Katie added.

No, it wasn't ideal but I was going to get what I wanted. I was going to meet Cam's family.

* * *

Two weeks later, we were on our way to Kapuskasing. The car ride was tense and awkward with Dallas at the wheel, Katie beside him barking directions and me in the back seat, pretending to sleep.

At some point I actually did manage to fall asleep. When I woke up we were pulling into a crappy hotel parking lot.

"What are we doing?" I mumbled.

"Well since Dallas was so late getting us this morning, it's past 11:00. It's too late to go anywhere." Katie said, clearly irritated.

"Hey, if we didn't have to stop to use a bathroom every five seconds maybe we could've gotten here sooner." Dallas shot back.

Katie ignored his comment. "I'll go check us in…" She got out of the car and slammed the door behind her.

"Your sister sure is a trip…" Dallas mumbled to me, leaning his head back. "Only for you, Mama…"

I smiled a little and collected my stuff. Katie came back a few minutes later and we headed up to one hotel room.

"What's this?" Dallas asked as she unlocked the door.

"We have to share. I'm not too thrilled about it either, but they only had one room available!" Katie explained pushing the door open and revealing a creepy looking room with two beds and a tiny bathroom. "You'll sleep over there, and me and Maya will sleep here. We can make a bathroom schedule too."

Dallas started to say something sarcastic but I didn't wait around long enough to hear it, I grabbed some clothes and went to the bathroom to take a shower, leaving Katie and Dallas arguing behind me.

* * *

The next morning I woke up early. I wanted to skip breakfast and go straight to Cam's house but Katie and Dallas teamed up to insist I eat.

"It's important that you give the baby the nutrients it needs." Katie said.

"She's right mama… You gotta feed that hockey star." Dallas added.

"Who says her son is going to play hockey?" Katie shot at him.

"Well, pretty much, just… I don't know… everyone…" Dallas chuckled.

"Well not me. I think he'll be a musician like Maya." The venom was thick in her voice so I was unable to smile at the thought of my son following in my footsteps. But it did excite me.

"Yeah okay… if you want him to be gay."

"Dallas!" I finally interjected.

"Uh… sorry Maya. There's nothing wrong with being a musician or gay… or both. Let's just hope your hockey star is neither."

"Dallas!" I repeated giving him a horrified look. I guess old habits die hard. No matter how sweet Dallas had been to me, he was still just a jerk sometimes.

We ended up in a waffle house just down the street from our hotel. From there Dallas called Cam's home number.

"Hey this is Mike Dallas." Pause "I'm good, how are you?" Pause "That's good; um hey I have a question to ask you."

He asked if we could come over. He said there was something I needed to tell the family.

The answer was yes. Although I got the feeling it was a reluctant yes, it was still the answer I wanted.

* * *

We arrived at a house 15 minutes away. It was a modest house; it was made of brick, two stories and had a cute little front porch.

I asked Katie to stay behind. The family didn't know her and I didn't want to make this any harder for them. Of course… they didn't really know me either and whether they wanted that to change or not would be decided today.

Mrs. Saunders came to the door. She looked similar to Cam, especially the eyes. She greeted us and led us into a small kitchen. We sat down at the table and I flashbacked to my dream. Strangely it was the same table Cam and I had sat at. A chill ran down my neck as Mr. Saunders walked in. His eyes were bright blue like mine but other than that he looked like an older version of Cam.

Then before anything else, I told them.

They sat there in shock as I explained how much I loved Cam and how I was going to keep the child no matter what.

When I was finished there was a silence in which I asked. "Are you mad?"

"Oh Maya," His mom said. "How could we be mad? I'm getting my first grandbaby! Oh, a little boy too! I remember when Campbell was born. He was so adorable! I probably have some pictures somewhere around here!"

Whoa, talk about déjà vu.

Only this time she wasn't stopped by Cam. She returned to us with a huge box of pictures. She showed us each and every single one. I bit my lip and let Dallas do the rest of the talking.

Before we left Mrs. Saunders stopped me. "Maya, if you need anything just call. You are a part of the family now."  
"Thanks Mrs. Saunders." I smiled and then an idea popped into my head. "My due date is November 22. Would you… would you like to be there when he's born?"

"Of course Maya" she gave me a sad smile "Campbell would be so happy, I know it. He loved you a lot, never stopped talking about you." Then she hugged me, pulling me in close to her like Dallas did the day he found out I was having a boy.

It was then I realized how lucky I really was. Even though I had lost Cam, I had so many other people who were there for me.

But I still found myself ruining my happiness with one last question.

"Mrs. Saunders, where is Cam's grave?"

Maybe it was rude to ask, maybe I was being stupid, but I had come all this way, and there was one last thing I needed to do.

* * *

AN: I had to break this chapter into two parts. I'll probably post the second part tomorrow. It is going to be one, long, sad, chapter. And another thing was I the only one who died a little when Dylan Everett wasn't in the title sequence? Before it started I said to myself "If they take Cam out of the beginning I will scream." And I did! Anyways I love all my readers, you guys are seriously the best. **Please keep reading and reviewing!**


	8. Bleeding Out

**AN: Hey it's at the beginning this time! If you wanna listen to the song this chapter is named after, it's Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons. A big thank you to_ Wer1007_ for the wonderful suggestion that was used in this chapter. It fit in perfectly to what I had planned and was just what I needed. I love you and all my readers! You guys really are the best! Remember any suggestions are considered! So if there's anything you'd like to see happen (within reason, I'm not going to give Maya superpowers or have her give birth to an alien or anything) Just write me a review and I'll see what I can do! Make sure to check out that song too!**

* * *

Katie tried to argue when I told her I needed to be dropped off at the small church a few blocks away. But Dallas gave her a look, a deep, long look that froze the words right on her lips. She sat back and we drove in silence.

When we stopped alongside the small graveyard my heart was in my throat. Dallas turned to me "Are you going to be okay?" He asked.

I have him a small nod and took a deep breath. I got out of the car and followed Mrs. Saunders's directions.

Then there I was standing in front of a lonely stone perched on a small hill. His name was scrawled across the front in bold letters, below was his date of birth and then the day he died. And at the very bottom written in small print was "_Beloved son and friend" _

Before I knew what I was doing, I was on my knees. My whole body felt weak and wrong. I reached my shaking fingers out and traced the letters of his name. I traced them over and over again.

_**Campbell Saunders, Campbell Saunders, Campbell Saunders.**_

I traced it until it became a part of me. I mentally carved it into the tips of my fingers, so it would plague my memory forever. Oh Cam why did you have to leave me here like this? Our son is going to grow up without a father, and I, I will never love again. Even if my heart was capable, who would want to love me, with all my baggage, and a kid?

I was an undesirable, a lost cause. My heart ached for someone I would never see again. My body longed for sleep, but my dreams were unpredictable. Would I see Cam happy or bleeding out with tears in his cold eyes? My mind begged for death to come to me, sweep me up in its cold arms and take me to the deepest of hells.

But I had to stay for this thing growing inside of me, this thing that held me to Cam no matter what. Suddenly I was resentful of my baby. I could never move on from Cam after I brought this child into the world. Not even if I wanted to. He was tied to me, and I was tied to him. Only Cam didn't have to be the one who bore all the pain.

He wasn't the one who walked the halls of Degrassi getting constant stares and hearing constant whispers.

In that moment I laughed out loud at myself, it was a shaky laugh that didn't belong to me. Wasn't it funny though that I could get so angry at Cam for doing this, could feel so sorry for myself for being in this situation and not regret a thing?

I could curse Campbell Saunders as much as I wanted, but that wouldn't bring him back. I could resent his baby all I wanted, but that would stop it from being born. I could tell myself I hated Cam forever, but that wouldn't make me love him any less.

I gave everything to him, everything I had! And he took it; he took it without a second thought.

That's when the first sob escaped my mouth. It came from deep down inside of me. I felt like my whole body was being ripped to shreds. Tears ran down my cold face and stung my already sore eyes.

"I loved you so much." I whispered to the ground, where underneath me his body was rotting away. "I know I never told you, I should've but I was scared. And I know that sounds so stupid… But it's all I can say for myself." Truth poured out of my mouth the way the tears poured out of my eyes. "I need you here now Cam! I need you to help me with this! I'm so scared. I've never been so scared in my life. What if I'm not a good mom? What if I raise him wrong? What if he ends up like you? What if he wants to hurt himself and it's my fault?" I was quiet for a moment. "What if I want to hurt myself, what if I just want to check out? What if… what if I want to see you again…?"

For several moments I just cried. My hair was matted to my face and I was out of breath. "I can't do this by myself Cam! I just… can't do it."

I erupted in sobs. My body shook violently and the tears blurred my vision. Every once in a while I would get a glimpse of the grave.

_**Campbell Saunders, Campbell Saunders, Campbell Saunders.**_

"I know it's so stupid," I choked out. "But I thought that I would have you forever. That night when you told me you loved me, I thought I was going to marry you. I would be yours, and you would be mine. But fairytales don't happen in real life. Tragedy happens and you just have to move on. You have to move on because there isn't anything else you can do. But how can I move on if I have a constant reminder of you for the rest of my life? What am I going to do Cam? What am I going to do when he asks where his daddy is? How do you tell a child his father is dead? How do you tell your baby that he's never going to meet his Dad? I know people do it; people do it all the time. But I don't know if I can. I won't lie to him either; make up some story about how you're a hero. Because you aren't a hero Campbell Saunders, you're a coward." A chill rushed through my body, reaching deep within my bones. "But I love you so much. And I have to be brave for our son, and for you. You would've told me to be brave. So why am I here? I don't know! I guess I just wanted to know where you were. And now that I do, I have to move on. I have to go back to Toronto, and go to school, and get a job, and try. Because there isn't anything else I can do. And there isn't anyone to help me. Katie is going to Stanford, god knows where all the hockey team guys are going, I basically told Zig to go to hell, which I'm pretty sure you would've loved by the way… but I really am alone now." I sighed and took in my own words. "I am so alone."

Then I collapsed onto the ground and curled up into a ball. All the pain from the last couple months hit me again with a full force.

I don't know how long I was laying there before the arms found me, strong arms. For a minute I pretended they were Cam's but when the voice sounded in my ears my precious illusion was shattered.

"Shh… It's okay. Everything is going to be okay." Dallas whispered into my ear, holding me tight.

"No it's not! He's gone Dallas! He's gone forever and there's nothing I can do! I loved him so much…" I screamed at him.

"I know Mama… I know." He soothed.

I felt a tear fall from his face and land on my neck. We sat there for a while, me and Dallas, crying and holding each other in front of the grave of a boy we cared about. A boy we both knew was going through hell but did nothing to save him.

_**Campbell Saunders, Campbell Saunders, Campbell Saunders.**_

* * *

After that day something changed between me and Dallas. We had a deeper understanding of each other somehow. We never talked about it though. Not until a night in August, the last day of my summer vacation.

"School… is going to suck so bad." I exclaimed. We were sitting on the steps to my front porch.

Dallas gave his signature chuckle and shook his head at me. "It'll only suck if you think it's going to suck, try thinking positive."

"That's easy for you to say Mr. Big Shot. You probably have some kind of hockey deal somewhere." We never did talk about where he was going before. I had always just assumed he was going away to college somewhere.

"Actually… I did get signed to a team." He said smiling to himself.

"Really? That's amazing Dallas!" I tried to hide my disappointment. No matter how much I could hate him, I was going to miss Mike Dallas, a lot.

"Yeah, I don't know if you've heard of them or not, the Toronto Maple Leafs."

"The Toronto Maple Leafs… You're staying here?!" I did not see this coming at all.

"Well I'll have to travel for games and stuff but yeah guess so. Come on you didn't actually think I would leave my favorite girl, did you Mama?"  
I smiled "Actually I did, that seems to be the theme lately. Who will leave Maya next? First Cam, then Katie, how about Dallas too!" I looked down at the pavement trying to blink away tears.

"Maya, I will never leave you. As long as you need me, I'll be here." Dallas whispered, his eyes met mine for a long moment. And then with no warning he leaned in and kissed me. His lips were soft and welcoming. I let myself lean into him and kissed him back.

Then it clicked in my mind. This was Dallas, Mike Dallas. Garden destroying, hockey playing, girl using, bully Mike Dallas. And here I was kissing him after all he did to Cam?  
Oh Cam, what if Cam could in fact see this? It was better than Zig I supposed but not by much.

I pulled away with that thought "What are you doing?" I asked standing up.

He stood up to, I realized how much taller he was than me. He looked shocked himself, maybe even a little ashamed. "Maya… I'm sorry I didn't mean… but I felt something, you had to feel it too."

"No," I lied "I didn't feel anything. I knew this would happen. This whole time you were using me. I mean I'm just a little whore right? That's all I am to you."

"No! Maya that's not it at all. I know you feel like you're betraying Cam but…"  
"Don't you dare talk about Cam to me!" I yelled. "You didn't know him like I did! You didn't even care about him! You treated him like crap all the time, so what? So you could play hockey for the Maple Leafs?"  
Dallas just stared at me as a look of deep pain crossed his face.

"I don't need you! I don't need anyone! Leave Dallas, I never want to see you again." I hissed and then turned and went inside slamming the door behind me.


	9. Chapter 9

"Maya! Maya wait up!" Dallas called after me. I was walking home after a hard day of school. I didn't turn around. Maybe I had overreacted the other day, but that didn't mean I was sorry.

"Please Maya just talk to me!"

"I have nothing to say to you Mike." I kept up my steady pace.

"At least let me give you a ride home."  
This made me stop. My back did hurt like a bitch and don't even get me started on my swollen feet.

"Fine, give me a ride. But this doesn't mean anything. I still hate you."

Dallas chuckled at me and shook his head. "I'm parked just down the street, I'll pick you up."

I rolled my eyes as he jogged off.

5 minutes later we were driving along. It was more than awkward. I stared out the window and ignored Dallas's many attempts to talk to me.

When we pulled up in front of my house neither of us moved. I continued to look out the window and Dallas tapped his fingers against the steering wheel.

"Thanks for the ride." I mumbled finally.

"Of course. It's the least I can do for you Maya."

I looked over at him. He was just staring off into space. Then suddenly he turned to me, catching my face in his hand.

"Maya, Maya I…"  
I stopped him; I closed in the space between us and kissed him.

"Maya," He whispered pressing his forehead against mine. "I love you, and I want to be with you forever."

I felt the words escape my mouth before I could think them through "I want to be with too Dallas."

Then after a long make out session I told him I'd see him later and went inside. I was headed for my room but a voice from the living room stopped me.

"Maya…"

I turned quickly and ran to the sound. There he was sitting on the couch; Cam, his eyes were full of tears.

"Maya… how could you do this to me?" he asked.

"No, Cam I can explain." I moved towards him but the look in his eyes told me it was too late.

* * *

I beat my alarm clock by five minutes when I woke up with a start. It was the first day of my sophomore year. I couldn't be any less excited. I walked to school slowly.

When I finally got there I was walking to my first class when some senior girl booked me. "Whore." She spat at me and then she and her group of friends walked away laughing. Leaving me to pick up my books, and wipe away my own tears. This was my life now, and there was no one here to help me. I had gotten exactly what wanted.

Halfway through second period I got called to the office. When I got there the guidance counselor was waiting for me, and so was my mother.

"What's going on…?" I asked.

"Come on into my office Maya." The guidance counselor said, ushering me into to her small office and shutting the door behind me before I could argue. "Now I know you do not want to talk about this, your mother has told me how strongly you feel on the subject, but I only want to help you make the right choice."

I was a little bit lost at this point, dazed by the strange turn in events.

When I didn't say anything she continued. "Adoption can be a wonderful thing. Not only are you making a couple who maybe cannot have a child of their own happy, but you are providing a good, safe, environment for your baby."

"Wait a minute, wait," I looked to my mother who was sitting silently. "You set this up, you set me up?!"

"Now Maya please, I'm just trying to help. You need to think of this baby." My mom said seeming almost apologetic.  
"But… but I am. I mean what are you trying to say? That if I keep my son he's not going to be safe or happy?"

"No Maya," The counselor stepped in "That's not what we're saying. We know this is a hard choice for you to make but…"

"But nothing. I've already made my choice. I'm keeping my son, I'm going to take care of him, and love him and give him everything he needs. And I'm never going to leave him. Not like his father left him. I love him more than that." And then I just got up and walked back to class.

* * *

A month later Tori and her boyfriend broke up and we started hanging out again. We were having a sleep over. It was nice to talk to someone about everything… but it would be a lot nicer if Tori wasn't so, for lack of a better word, annoying.

"So wait, _Mike Dallas_ kissed _you_?!" She asked in disbelief, her voice all high pitched and squeaky.

"Well yeah… but…"

"How was it?!"

"Excuse me?" Was she really asking me this?

"I mean like was he a good kisser, was there tongue?" She asked with a giggle.

"Tori that's not the point!" I paused. "And yes to both."

"Well of course! Oh my god Maya you get all the fun!" She exclaimed.  
"If by fun you mean my boyfriend killing himself, getting pregnant at 14, and being completely confused on my feelings, then yes I do." I rolled my eyes.

"No by fun I mean the fact that Mike Dallas is in love with you! You totally lucked out. You know he's signed to the NHL right? Do you have any idea how much money he's gonna make?! You are going to be totally rich!"

"Not exactly, I told him I never wanted to see him again."

Her mouth dropped "You what?! Why would you do that?!"

"Because… because I… I don't know. But I don't have time for that kind of stuff right now. And I mean he was Cam's captain… like that's just wrong… I can't do that to him."  
"Cam would've wanted you to be happy." She said softly.

We were quiet for a moment.

"My mom really wants me to give the baby up for adoption." I muttered finally.

"Are you going to?" She asked.

"I don't know… I keep saying I'm dead set against it but… I really don't know." I sighed. "Maybe it's the right thing to do."  
"Oh Maya, maybe it is but… I mean Cam… he would've wanted you to keep him wouldn't he have?"

I sighed irritated. "Why do you keep saying that?! You have no idea what Cam would've wanted. None of us will ever know. He's gone, he made his choice, now I have to make mine."  
"Okay… Well whatever you need to do, I'm here for you."

I smiled "Thanks Tor, that means a lot."

"Well you are my best friend for life. And I am expecting to be referred to as super fabulous aunt Tori."

She laughed and at the same time a terrible wave of pain washed over me. And then I was wet.

"Oh my god…" I whimpered.

"Maya, what happened? What's wrong? Is that… Did your water just break or something?"

I was frozen where I sat. It was only October; I wasn't supposed to have my baby for another month and a half, there was no way I was going into labor. "Go get my mom," She stared at me clearly thinking the same thing. "Tori now!" I screamed.

* * *

Before I knew it I was being lifted into an ambulance, and everything went crazy. When I got to the hospital, I knew something was wrong. The pangs of pain were few and far in between but excruciating.

The nurse's were all around me, my mom was nowhere to be seen, and I just kept asking someone to call Katie.

They stuck an IV in me and told me to take deep breaths. It was all a blur and then all of a sudden Dr. Pierce was standing next to me.

"Okay, Maya" she said "Take a deep breath and I want you to try to push."

I tried, for hours I tried but nothing happened. They said something about me not being dilated enough, they said something about my body being too small to give birth, they said something about a C-section, they said something about too much bleeding, they said something about the baby being sick or something. I had no idea what was happening and my head was spinning. I just kept asking for Katie and I'm not too sure but as the dizziness really starting setting in, I was asking for Cam; no more like begging.

I was so scared; every single muscle in my body was tense. I just kept wondering why no one was doing anything. Why weren't they helping him? I wished they would just stop talking and do something to help my baby.

My eyelids were getting heavy but I kept forcing them open. The chaos continued around me. Or maybe it really wasn't chaos… there were really only a couple people around me but every noise they made was intensified in my ears. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest.

Someone took my hand but I wasn't sure who it was until Katie's voice sounded in my ear. "Push Maya," she whispered to me and I did as I was told. But the pain was too much for me. I let out one last cry for Cam and then everything faded as I was enveloped in darkness.

* * *

AN: Hey so that was short I know. I've been really really busy with this play. We just opened Thursday and it has been a crazy ride. But I'm not going to leave you hanging. I will post at least once every week I swear it. Thank you for reading and for reviewing. I love to hear from you guys and hear your thoughts and feelings. So hit me up! And stay tuned for more. Also hopefully sometime soon I'll be posting a Cam one shot. I think it's a pretty interesting concept so hopefully you can check it out! _**LOVE YOU!**_


	10. Say What You Will

I woke up to sunshine shimmering through the window. Sleep was still heavy in my eyes so they didn't open. I moved my head and pulled my pillow closer to me. Wait a minute… that's definitely not a pillow. My eyes fluttered open and I realized my head was lying on someone's bare chest. Not just anyone's bare chest but could it be, Campbell Saunders? I could hear his even heart beats just underneath my ear. We were in my living room, on the couch. It was too real to be just another dream.

"Good morning sleeping beauty." I heard the familiar voice say.

I sat up quickly and looked at him; I reached a hand out and touched his face. He was real, he was there. I ran my hand over my stomach; it was flat as a pancake.

"Oh Cam!" I cried throwing my arms around him. "I had a terrible nightmare. You… you committed suicide and I was pregnant… Oh god we need to go get the morning after pill like now!" I shook my head and decided it could wait, I was too happy. "Oh but it was just a nightmare and it's over now. And you're here with me." I breathed in his familiar scent, memorizing it. I took in his every feature.

His brows were furrowed together and I figured it was just because he was concerned about such a dark dream so I just hugged him, pulling him in really close.

"Oh Cam I love you. I love you so much you don't even know." I said with a huge smile. I pulled away from him and looked into his eyes. I thought he would be happy but instead he just looked sad.

"Maya…" He whispered. "I love you too but…"

Oh no, that was never a good sign…

"But what?" I asked frightened "What's wrong?"

He sighed and then took a big, long, deep breath. "But it wasn't just a dream. It really happened."

"What? How can you say that?" I laughed and punched his shoulder. "Nice one Superstar, trying to freak me out or something?"

"No… Maya…"

The look on his face made the smile drop from my lips.

"It's just another dream isn't it? You aren't really here." I stated, my heart sinking in my stomach. "But it seems so real this time. Why does it seem so real?"

"I don't know…" He admitted "But I need you to wake up."

"What? No! I don't want to wake up! I want to stay here with you… forever."

"Maya… what I did… I hate myself for it, I do. I hate that I did that to you and I am so sorry. But because of that we can never be together again. I need you to wake up." He shook my gently "Wake up Maya."  
"Why are you here anyway?" I asked him angry that he didn't want me.

"I have no idea, but it isn't good. You passed out while you were in labor, you… you could die." He whispered, sounding concerned.

"Fine then, let me die. I don't care." I started to lie back down but he stopped me.

"Don't talk like that Maya." He paused "Do you have a name picked out for him?" He asked with a soft smile.

I nodded my head. I remembered the day I decided on the name. I was looking through endless baby books but nothing fit. I already knew the middle and last name all I needed was the first.

"Dylan" I answered him. I came across the name by pure chance; he was a character in a book. But for some strange reason the name seemed almost comforting, like it was connected to Cam somehow.

"Dylan," Cam repeated "I like it. I think he'll be a musician like you. Maybe play a little hockey too."

His smile made me smile like always. "Dallas seems to think he's going to be the next greatest hockey star."

"He'll be whatever he wants to be." Cam answered. "But there's another thing Maya… about Dallas."

"What?" I asked.

"He cares about you… he really does. And he's not that bad a guy. He can help you, let him help you. I see the way you look at him too, I know, and if he makes you happy, let him make you happy. Don't worry about me. If you love him…" He trailed off eyeing the ground.  
"I don't love him." I said firmly.

"Okay… but if you ever do, don't be afraid."

I remained silent for a long moment.

"Cam, what's going to happen if I do wake up?"

"W_hen_ you wake up," He corrected. "You'll take care of Dylan, you'll play your cello, you'll be happy."  
Tears filled my eyes "But what about you, where will you go?"  
"You don't need to worry about that Maya…" He whispered.

"But I do! What if I still don't want to wake up, what if I do choose to stay with you?"

"Well… that's a choice only you can make. But I know your answer already. You aren't me Maya, you're a fighter. You have more strength than I could've ever dreamed of. And you'll raise Dylan to be the same way, I know you will. Because you are brave Maya Matlin and nothing will ever change that." His voice was full of sincerity and sadness. His eyes were full of tears. "But you have to wake up now Maya. Everything you have done will have been for nothing if you don't wake up."  
I closed my eyes and leaned against him, I knew I needed to wake up but I didn't know how, and I was too tired to fight anymore. Cam was wrong about me; I wasn't brave at all.

"Maya please," The tears finally overflowed and streamed down his face. His jaw tightened and he looked as though he were in physical pain. "I need you to wake up; for me, for Dylan, for Dallas, for Katie. Please you have to wake up."

I took in a deep breath. "Will you be watching over us?" I asked.

"Always" He answered.

* * *

"Maya… please wake up… Come on…" I heard Katie pleading.

I opened my eyes and took in the empty hospital room. "Oh thank god." She sighed in relief.

"Where's is he?" I asked.

"He's fine, he's in the nursery. You had to get a C-section I was so worried about you, you've been out for hours." I gave her a look. "Dr. Pierce said he was healthy. Of course he's a little small but everything important is working just fine."

I felt myself relax just a little. "Can I see him?" I asked.

"Sure, and the people are waiting to finish his birth certificate, I didn't know what you wanted to name him. So…"

"Sure bring them in, but first I want to hold my baby boy." I said.

A few minutes later I was holding him, Dylan Campbell Saunders, 5 lbs. 7 oz.

He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. His eyes were bright blue with dark brown around the pupil. He had a little patch of dark brown hair on his head.

I had only been holding him for a couple minutes when the people started coming in.  
First it was my mom and dad, then Tori and Tristan, and then the whole hockey team shuffled in. They all had some kind of gift for the baby, little teddy bears and even little mini hockey sticks. They went in a circle, taking turns looking at the new addition to their family. Some of them even hugged me. Luke and even Owen surprisingly.

"His name is Dylan Campbell Saunders." I told them.

"Good name" Owen smiled.

"Yeah… he looks just like Cam." Luke said and everyone nodded in agreement.

"Only cuter" Dallas added. I looked up at him and caught his eye.

Despite my dream he had made no effort to contact me since I told him to get out of my life. He did as he was told. To be honest it hurt a little that he didn't want to fight for me but at the same time I understood. We had both been through enough already.

The team looked at Dallas and then at me and then at each other. And with a loud roar of laughter they all left, leaving me and Dallas to stare at each other awkwardly.

"I… I got this for him." Dallas said taking a step towards me and handing me a small gift.

"You didn't have to get him anything, none of you did." I told him.

"I know, but the guys wanted to. I mean you two are family."

I opened the package, inside there was a baby sized hockey jersey, I think it was for the maple leafs but I wasn't sure. Then I noticed the number on it, 67, Cam's number.

"I thought the kid should inherit the number, I mean it is his birth right." He laughed. "And I thought maybe he could come see me play some time, both of you. I get free tickets for my family." I didn't say anything and that made him nervous. "If you don't like it I can…"  
"I don't like it Dallas. I love it, thank you."

We smiled at each other. But Dallas was still being awkward.  
"Look I'm sorry about that night… when I kissed you. It was wrong of me and I'm sorry." He said with a sigh.

I chuckled at him. "It's okay Dallas. I'm sorry I blew up on you like that. After everything you've done for me… I can't let you slip away. But it's just I can't afford a relationship right now. But I still want you around, because I don't want to lose you and because I want you and the rest of the team to be in Dylan's life. We are a family ya know."

A grin spread across his face. "Yeah Mama, I know." His eyes settled on Dylan.

"Do you want to hold him?" I asked.

Suddenly he got nervous. "Me…? Uhh…"  
"Come on, he's really light and you won't regret it I promise."

"Alright," He said moving over to me.

I transferred Dylan from my arms to Dallas's arms. I wasn't nervous about Dallas holding him, because I had found safety in those arms and I knew Dylan would too.

Dylan woke up as soon as he was in his arms. His little eyelids fluttered open and I was sure he was going to cry but instead he just stared up at Dallas in wonder. And Dallas… Dallas had the same expression.

"Wow…" He whispered. "He's so… little."  
I giggled "Well yeah, you can't just expect him to come out a 6 foot, 200 pound hockey player!"

"I know, and I didn't but… wow… Blue eyes too… He's beautiful Maya, really just beautiful." He touched Dylan's nose with his finger and Dylan reached a tiny hand up and grabbed it.

Tears filled my eyes as I took in the sight and Cam's words echoed through my mind. _If he makes you happy, let him make you happy._

And I did. In that moment I was the happiest I had been in a while. When Dallas had to leave, I sat in my bed holding Dylan in my arms. I held him close to my heart and looked up to the ceiling.

"I wish you were here Cam," I whispered "But… I'm happy. And I'll never forget you, but I will have to move on. I'm not going to cry every day anymore because there is something so much bigger in my life now. It's going to be tough and I may have to go through hell and back but I will raise this boy… our boy. And I will make sure he knows who you are." I took a deep breath and looked down to Dylan. "You're going to be a fighter; it's in your blood."

* * *

**AN**: I hope you enjoyed it! This will probably be my last chapter of the weekend but don't worry I will make sure there's another one or two posted next weekend! Keep reviewing and supporting! Reviews definitely keep me motivated. And I'm really starting to get pissed off at Degrassi btw (Lol "starting to") Like I just want to get this whole Maya turning into a slut thing over with… like for real. If she's going to get together with Zig let me know already so I can just stop watching. I liked Zaya at first but now… I don't think I could stomach it. What do you guys think? Have a good week! _**LOVE YOU! **_


	11. Chapter 11

"Dallas! Get your head in the game!" My new captain yelled at me for the millionth time. He yelled a lot; a lot more than I had ever yelled at my team.

I never even got to play, I was a classic benchwarmer. It wasn't like I had ever expected anything less in my first year though.

Maybe the last 3 months with Dylan had made me go soft, or maybe it was because I kept thinking about Cam and how horrible I had been to him when he was in this position. But I wasn't as tough as I used to be.

It's funny, how karma always finds a way to bite you in the ass.

At the end of practice all the guys rushed to the locker room. They were all talking about girls, dates, other teams, other players. Their laughter rang in my ears. Ugh, they could give me such a headache sometimes…

They were nothing like my team at Degrassi. We were a family. We won together, lost together, worked together, and bled together. We played for the love of the game. These guys seemed to only play for the money… and the whores that came with it. Though I pretended to care, everything they said just pissed me off.

But I had to stick through it. This job paid amazingly and I needed the money. Not only was I trying to help Maya out but… I had another life to support out of town. But that was another story…

"So Mike, you going to the party with us tonight?" Morrison asked me.

I shook my head. The girls that followed the team around, yeah they were hot, I couldn't deny that. But none of them appealed to me. I decided 3 months ago in that hospital that there was only one girl for me, Maya Matlin.

Alli and I had broken up when she left for MIT. And I thought I'd swear off relationships for a while, but things with Maya were different. I know, I sound like a freaking idiot. Things like this; they never work out for me.  
And Maya… she had made it very clear that she didn't want anything like that, ever. And somehow I was cool with that.

We took care of each other; she relied on me, and I relied on her too. We told each other everything… well almost everything. There were secrets of my past that I didn't want her to know, secrets that she would probably understand more than anyone else. But I didn't want her to think that it was the reason I had been there for her. Maybe that was it at first but now it was so much more. I knew the time would come when I would be forced to tell her. But now was not the time.

Maya cried, all the time. The doctors told her she had some kind of depression that chicks get after having a baby. The baby cried just as much. All night, all day, every time I was over someone was crying. I'm not going to lie, sometimes it was me.

It sucked seeing Maya like that. She was so tired all the time, she had fallen behind in school, and she never played her cello anymore.

Her parents tried to help her, but they were still out of town a lot for her mom's illness. I tried to stay with her as much as I could when she was alone because she worried me.

They were out of town this weekend. So I drove to her as fast as I could. She came to the door before I could even knock. The dark circles under her eyes made them seem even more puffy, and red. I could hear Dylan whaling in the background.

"I can't get him to stop…" She cried. "I've changed him, fed him, burped him, but he just won't stop crying!"

She led the way to her bedroom. She could barely get the door open due to the mess inside. Diapers (clean and dirty), bottles, dirty clothes, rags, basically everything you could imagine was scattered across the floor. There was only a small path leading to little Dylan's crib.

I went over to it and picked the sad baby boy up. He was thrashing his arms around and tears stained his rosy cheeks.

I rocked him back and forth trying to soothe him. Maya had fallen back onto her bed and was sobbing herself, begging me to make him stop. She was definitely not helping.

So I took him away from her. I went outside and sat on the steps.

"Shh little guy, it's alright. It's okay I'm here." I whispered to him. He cried for a couple more minutes and then fell asleep. I breathed a sigh of relief and leaned back. I couldn't help but resent Maya for the way she was acting. Babies cry, that's what they do. You just have to ride it out. She was 15 years old now, she had a kid, it was time for her to grow up.

But that's not an easy thing to do when you're that young, I would know.

I won't let Maya down, if she can't do this… I'm going to help her through it.

I went back into the house and set Dylan down in his little play pen in the living room.

I found Maya right where I left her. She was curled up in a ball with her knees up to her chest.

"Maya," I whispered.

"What am I doing wrong?" She asked me sitting straight up. "Why can't I make him happy?!"

"Because Maya, you… you can't… Look babies cry but you have to try to be patient okay? If you start crying and getting frustrated it will make it worse." I tried to explain.  
"What do you even know anyway?!" She screamed at me. "You have no idea what this is like!"

I was quiet for a while "Look Maya, you need some rest. I'll call Tori; maybe she can come over and help you clean up. In the meantime why don't you let me take Dylan over to my place? Its baby proofed."  
She looked up at me with her puppy dog eyes. "No, no I can't. You…" she trailed off when I chuckled at her.

"He'll be fine, alright. Now try to get some sleep. I'll bring him back tomorrow morning all in one piece."

Without another protest she let me leave. I called Tori and waited until she got there. I did not want Maya to be all alone.

And then as I was loading Dylan into the car I realized what I had done. I had no freaking clue how to take care of a kid on my own. I mean before… I had always had my mom around, and then Maya was there. But now, this was all me.

No, hell no, this was a family matter and would be treated as such.

* * *

"What do we do with it?" Luke asked staring down at a sleeping Dylan.

"Nothing right now," I answered. "I mean we won't have a problem unless he starts…"

Dylan's eyes fluttered open and he hiccupped, then the tears came.

"Crying?" Owen finished.

"Yeah" I muttered.

"So do we like… have to change his diaper?" Luke's eyes were wide.

"I guess so… But umm… do either of you know how to?" Their blank expressions gave me my answer. "Okay, so I guess we don't exactly know whether or not he actually does needs a diaper change."  
"Well how exactly are we supposed to know?" Owen asked rolling his eyes.

I lifted Dylan up and put his butt in front of Luke's face. "Smell it."  
"Oh hell no!" Luke yelled.

I looked to Owen; he took a step back and put his hands up. So I closed my eyes and told myself I was making up for everything I had done in the past. I sniffed… _oh thank god_, no diaper change needed.

Then we moved on to feeding him.

"So wait, this actually came out of that little niner's tits?" Owen laughed looking at the bottle.

I just gave him that captain "shut up or I'll kill you" look.

"Right, sorry I forgot you're in love with her now."

"Owen, I'm not…" I sighed "Forget it, he's not hungry… So what is wrong with him?"

"Wait a minute, I think I know." Owen smirked and then he disappeared. He came back with a hockey puck.

"What exactly do you think that's going to do?" I asked irritated.

Owen handed the baby the hockey puck. "He's a freaking hockey star, that's why he's sad! He wants hockey! So…" He jumped over and switched on the TV which was already on the NHL channel. "Let's give him hockey!"

Dylan put the hockey puck in his mouth and sucked on it, pacifying his cries. I couldn't help but laugh a little bit. I brought him over to the couch and sat next to Owen; Luke followed and sat in the chair beside us.

Dylan's little blue eyes were fixated on the screen as the two teams battled it out.

"This seriously has to be the coolest thing I have ever seen." Luke stated amazed.

I couldn't agree more. And as I sat there, perfectly content with my family, I swear I felt someone there with us. There was an air of happiness and love. An air of a father watching over his child, and a feeling of gratitude from brother to brother.

* * *

**AN: Haha! Just a little fluff for everyone. The whole Dallas being a dad thing threw me off there for a minute but I think I can use it to my advantage. Please review! Love you!**


	12. Haunted

"He's finally asleep." I sighed plopping down on the couch next to Dallas.

He was always over helping me out. It was funny, I thought as soon as the baby came I would never see him again, but he was committed.

Dallas laughed quietly "Let's see how long that lasts."

I punched his arm with as much force as I could muster. I was so tired I had forgotten what sleep felt like; I did not need his negativity, I had enough of my own.

It was July and Dylan was 9 months old today, almost a year! Time sure had flown.

I had made it through my sophomore year, but not without a struggle. In November I would be old enough to drop out and I'm not going to lie, I was seriously considering it.

Child care was really expensive and though my friends and family were willing to help out, they had lives of their own, they couldn't drop everything.

I'd love to tell you that the Saunders family moved to Toronto but they couldn't. I couldn't ask them to either, because well… like I said, they couldn't just drop everything. They came to see Dylan a couple days after he was born. Cam's brothers and sister and father and mother, they were wonderful people. They loved Dylan and me. They called as much as they could and told me they would try to visit in the summer, but they hadn't yet.

So with another year starting very soon I had a choice I needed to make.

I also had depression. I was trying to cope with it, and some days I was fine, but others I would just lose it. It was a scary thing for me.

Trying to get a job at my age hadn't been fun either, and when I actually got one I would get fired for showing up late too many times. I had already tried the bookstore, Little Miss Steaks, and a couple clothing stores in the mall. I was now working at the Dot but I knew it was only a matter of time before I got kicked to the curb there too.

Dallas tried sticking around as much as possible but his hockey schedule was unpredictable and took up most of his time.

His job did pay off for me though; he helped me out with some of my expenses.

There's one more thing about my life that was going wrong. My mother had taken a turn for the worse. A couple months after Dylan was born, she found out that she had breast cancer. And with all of her other medical problems it could potentially be very deadly.

My parents spent most of their time in a special hospital in Ottawa now, leaving me and Dylan on our own.

Most nights Dallas would stay with us. He would sleep down on the couch or on the chair in my room.

We argued a lot, but he never left my side. I was grateful for that because I was scared to be alone.

I leaned my head against his shoulder and sighed in exhaustion. He put his arm around me.

Okay, I know what this looks like but it's not what you're thinking I swear.

I didn't feel anything romantic for Dallas in the slightest. I mean, I couldn't, he was like my brother. He took care of me and I trusted him, but that was it. We were close, but never like that.

In fact, I had decided never to get romantically involved with anyone ever again. It just caused unnecessary pain. And I needed to be focused on Dylan and his needs, not boyfriends and dates.

So don't get any ideas about me and Dallas, alright? I don't know how he feels on the subject but I'm sure it's similar to me. I was family, he told me all the time. And unless he promotes incest, it's nothing more than that.

I had almost fallen asleep when Dallas' voice filled the silence.

"Maya, I have to tell you something." He whispered.

I didn't even lift up my head, I just waited for him to go on and he did.

"There is something I've been hiding from you because I wasn't exactly sure how to tell you…" he paused "When I was 15… Well…" He pulled his phone out and clicked on it a couple of times before stopping on a picture of him and a little boy. "This is my son, Rock. I call him Rocky."  
I pulled the phone out of his hands. "He's adorable! How old is he?" Sure, I was a little ticked he had been hiding something this big, but I could empathize.

He looked at me for a second, "He's four but he'll be 5 too soon." He chuckled. "You aren't mad I didn't tell you?"

"No," I answered shaking, my head. "But I'd like to know why…"

"Well, I don't know. I didn't want you to think that it was the reason I was helping you out. I wasn't the greatest dad to Rocky and I barely ever get to see him anymore because of it…" he explained.

"Who's his mother?" I asked giving back his phone.

"Vanessa, a girl from back home; she lives on the other side of town now. And she hates me…"

"Well, the past is the past and I'm not going to judge you on it. Even if that was the reason you were taking care of me I would be fine with it. I need you Dallas." I smiled at him a rested my head back on his shoulder.

All was quiet for a long moment.

"I love you Maya…" he whispered so low I almost didn't hear it, I wish I hadn't…

I sat up and looked at him, putting distance between us. "You… you what?"

"I… I love you." He repeated.

"Like a sister right?" But I already could tell the answer from the look in his eyes.

"No; more than that, way more than that. And I'm not asking you to say it back… I just…"

"No." I cut him off "Dallas, please don't. Don't do this to me."

"I'm sorry Maya! But its how I feel. I want to take care of you and Dylan." He told me.

"And what do you call this?!" I was trying not to yell. I could feel a wave of sadness washing over me at the wrong time.

"No, I really want to take care of you. You could move into my place, we could…"

I cut him off again. "Get out."

"What?"

"Just go home Dallas. I don't need you to take care of me; I can take care of myself. God, everyone was right about you. You're just a selfish jerk." Tears bubbled up but I forced them back.

"How am I being selfish?!" He asked, getting angry himself.

"You just want to take care of me and Dylan so you can make up for losing your own kid! Sorry Dallas, but I am not your second chance." I hissed.

"See! That's why I didn't want to tell you! I knew you would use it against me like that! Honestly Maya, I don't think I'm the one being selfish in this situation."

Who knew such a wonderful moment could turn so sour in just a couple seconds, well… That's me and Dallas for ya.

"Just go Dallas and don't even think about coming back."

"Fine" And without another word he was out the door.

I sat there alone for a few seconds, and then collapsed into the cushions.

Grief, oh the familiar feeling, it was beginning to feel like home to me as it pulled me under its thrashing waves.

The first tear fell, and then the second, and then the third. Although I didn't sob, just a tear here and there, I wanted to. My chest felt tight and my lungs empty.

Poor Dylan didn't have a fighting chance, with two crazy parents he was definitely going to end up either being a therapist or needing one.

Then the thoughts started creeping into my mind… I started to wish I was dead. Dallas was right I was selfish, and if I was already so selfish why not do the most selfish thing yet.

Why not pull a Cam?

I laughed bitterly. This was all stupid Cam's fault, if he were here… I wouldn't have to worry about any of this, because he would've taken good care of me… right?

But I told Cam I would be happy! And I was, the first couple of days in the hospital, I didn't hit me until I was alone and, or Dylan wouldn't stop crying.

Before I knew what I was doing I found myself in the bathroom, sitting on the floor with my bottle of prescription medicine in my hands. I opened it up. I had just gotten it refilled yesterday; I bet if I took all of them, by the time they found me in the morning I'd be dead.

It must be nice to be dead…

I mean it's what everyone wants when they're in a bad situation. When you embarrassed, angry, sad, you just want to die. So it must be nice to die. I wonder what it's like…

Maybe I'll find Cam in heaven… Or maybe we'll both end up in the deepest of hells. It didn't really matter to me at this point. I just wanted to be anyone but who I was and the worst part was I didn't even really know why.

I looked down at the pills and stared for what seemed like forever and then with a shaky hand I raised the bottle to my lips.

* * *

**Dallas:**

_Ring, ring, ring_

God damn it, who the hell is calling me this late at night? I pulled my pillow over my head.

_Ring, ring, ring_

Jesus, they're relentless. I rolled over with a groan and grabbed my phone off the night stand. I didn't even look at the caller ID.

"Hello?" I mumbled.

There was only silence on the other line.

"Hello?" I repeated angrily.

Still nothing but silence. "Look, this better not be damn prank or I swear to god I will find you and make you…"  
I was cut off by a soft, sad voice that sent a chill through my bones. "Dallas…"

"Maya? What is it? What's wrong?"

More silence.

"Maya?" I asked franticly.

"I need you to come here. I need you to help me." She pleaded.

"Is there something wrong with Dylan?"

"Dylan's fine…"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," she answered but her voice failed her.

"Maya, what's going on?"

"I… I want to die…" she whispered and I could hear her start to cry.

No, this wasn't happening. I should have never left her alone like that.

"No, you don't. Think of all the people who would miss you." I was up now, grabbing a shirt from my dresser and throwing it on as I ran to my car.

"No one would… Everyone would be better off…" She didn't sound like herself, she sounded distant and cold.

"No they wouldn't Maya, how about me, and Katie, and your mom, and Dylan."  
She cried even more at the mention of Dylan's name.

Now I'm not a religious person but on that drive to Maya's house I prayed more than ever before. The thought of losing her… the thought of Dylan losing her… It was too much for me.

I tried to stay on the phone with her but she hung up without a goodbye when I was about halfway there.

When I got to her house the door was still unlocked from when I left. I threw my phone aside and called for her. I ran into the living room where I left her, she wasn't there.

"Maya!" I screamed. My heart was pounding harder than ever before.

I ran up the stairs just in time to see her stumble out of one of the doors down the hallway.

"Dallas!" She cried but she didn't move from the doorway.

I ran to her. In the bathroom behind her, there were pills all over the floor. I pulled her into my arms.

"How many did you take?" I asked her, almost in tears myself. She was silent and I was suddenly very angry and impatient.

I pulled away from her, grabbed her wrists, and shook her. "How many Maya?!"

"You're hurting me…" She whispered; her eyes full of tears.

I heard Dylan start to cry in her room down the hall. "How many pills Maya?" I asked again.

"None!" she cried. "I couldn't do it Dallas! I just couldn't." She fell back into my arms and sobbed.

I picked her up and carried her to her room, setting her down on her bed while I took care of Dylan, who needed a diaper change.

"I thought I wanted to but I didn't! I'm so sorry Dallas! There's just so much going on, I can't take it!"

I sat down next to her on her bed after I soothed Dylan to sleep.

"I'm going to help you Maya…" I whispered. "I'm going to take care of you and make sure this never happens again."

I knew that meant a couple things would need to happen. I couldn't be traveling around anymore; I needed to be with Maya at all times. So first off I would need to quit the Maple Leafs. Sure it had been my dream since I was a kid, but it wasn't worth it. Maya meant more to me than some stupid game. And second she needed to move out of this house.

"Maya, I want you to come live with me. I have a spare room for you and Dylan. You'll be safe there with me." I told her.

She didn't argue, but instead she just nodded and I realized now wasn't the time to be making any decisions.

"Just rest your head mama. You could use some sleep."

She then asked me a question in the saddest voice I've ever heard. "Will you be here when I wake up?"

"Of course…" I whispered. "I'll always be here for you."

I tucked her in and she soon fell asleep. Why on earth would she think I wouldn't still be here in the morning?

She knew how much I cared about her; she knew what Dylan meant to me. I wasn't going anywhere, and there was nothing she could do about it.

* * *

**Maya:**

I spiraled into my beloved dreamland.

I was sitting on my bed, feeding Dylan when Cam walked in. He threw his school books aside and sat down next to me.

"Hey," He said after kissing my cheek.

"How was work?" I asked him.

"Ehh workish." He answered. "Can I hold him for a sec?"

"Oh course!" I smiled and handed him the little bundle.

"Hey little man… Did you miss me?" We both laughed as the baby let out a little squeal of glee. "I'll take that as a yes."

We sat there for a while… me, Cam, and Dylan; one happy family.

Later Dylan was asleep in his crib and it was just me and Cam gazing into each other's eyes.

I was filled with love, and joy, and happiness, without a hint of exhaustion.

"Maya…" Cam started, breaking off our stare. "I was going to wait until I got enough money to take you out somewhere special but… well I just can't wait any longer."

He got down on one knee. "I'm no good at this stuff…" He blushed "But I do love you. And I know we're a little young and everything but Maya Matlin…" he took a deep breath. "Will you marry me?"

I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming, I didn't want to wake Dylan. So I just nodded and he slid the modest ring onto my finger.  
"When I have a better job, I swear I'll buy you something better." He told me looking down.

"No," I answered "I love it. It's better than all the diamonds in the world put together!"

"Really?" his eyes brightened  
"Of course! It's not about the ring or money, it's about us being together. I already have everything I need; you and Dylan."

"I love you Maya Matlin." He said.

"I love you too Campbell Saunders."

* * *

AN: Well… obviously Maya's a bit delusional at this point lol. Hey I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has stuck with this story! Just because she had the baby does not mean it's finished! I still have plenty more in store for everyone! And if any of you want to check out another Camaya story of mine I just posted a one shot called Russian Roulette. You can find it on my profile. Oh and the song this can be named after could be either the one by Kelly Clarkson or Taylor Swift. I think they both go with Maya and Cam. Thanks everyone and don't forget to review! _**Love ya!**_


	13. Chapter 13

**Dallas:**

I had been pacing the locker room for a solid 10 minutes, ringing my hands. This was the right thing to do; the mature thing to do. Finally I made my way to the office and knocked on the door. "Hey, uh coach can I talk to you for a sec?"

The head coach was sitting at his desk talking to another assistant coach. He gave me a small nod and the assistant coach left us alone.

"I've been meaning to talk to you myself Mike." He said "Go ahead and sit down."

I moved in, shutting the door behind me, and sat down.

"Well… I've had a lot of personal stuff going on lately…" I started the speech I had practiced in my head a million times but the coach held up a hand to silence me.

"I've noticed your performance has been dropping the past couple weeks, everyone has noticed."

I lowered my eyes. With Maya and Dylan always on my mind it was hard to focus on the ice.

"But there's no need to explain or apologize Mike. We all go through tough times. However, you can learn to use that emotion to benefit your playing. I see real potential in you Mike, that's why you'll be starting the first game of the season." He continued giving me a smile.

My mouth dropped and I stared at him in disbelief. Then I collected myself.

"Oh my god, thank you so much; you won't regret this coach, I swear." My words jumbled together in my excitement. Starting for a NHL team this early was a dream come true.  
It wasn't until after I shook the coach's hand and ran out to my car that I remembered what I was supposed to have done.

I was supposed to quit the team… I was supposed to give my two weeks and leave without a look back.

God, I screwed up bad this time.

Maya had finally moved all her stuff into my apartment. It was a little crowded but she and Dylan had their own room and their own space.

It didn't mean anything had gotten better though. After a tough fight with Maya this morning about school, I gave up on trying to make her go. Three days in a row now I had tried to get her up and ready, but she just laid in her bed and cried begging me to let her stay.

I gave in every time and offered to take Dylan to daycare. But that made her cry even more. She was way too overprotective of that kid and it got even worse as he got older.

He would be a year old in a month or so. Ha, that was a crazy thought; a thought that brought me back around to my original problem. How the hell was I supposed to quit when I was a starter? I'd probably be banned from even thinking about hockey. This was just a nightmare.

* * *

**Maya:**

"_Where the hell have you been?"_ I hissed in a tone so low I wouldn't have even known I was the one talking if I hadn't felt the words slip off my lips.

I was sitting on a couch rocking a screaming baby in a house I had never seen before. My hair was a mess and my body was nothing but weak. Cam had just waltzed in, wearing his damn hockey jacket and a flannel shirt.

"I had to study, I told you that." He waved me off and headed for the kitchen. He returned a minute later with a glass of water.

"So you were studying until midnight? You must be working pretty damn hard." I muttered, rolling my eyes.

"Well I kind of have to considering…"

"Oh shut your mouth, you always try to act so freaking perfect. You're just freaking dad of the year aren't you?" I struggled to quiet Dylan's cries.

"Here, just hand him to me." He said with a sigh.

Reluctantly I handed Dylan over and almost instantly his crying ceased. I hated how Cam could do that. It was like he had some special connection to our son that I would never understand. It pissed me off to no end.

"Screw you" I muttered throwing the empty bottle in my hand across the room.

"Maya… please not this again…" Cam moved back the hallway to a small room and put a sleeping Dylan in a crib, I followed him, tears burned my eyes.

"I'm sorry I… I just don't understand. What am I doing wrong?" I asked him; a tear spilled over.

He moved to me. Finally the Cam I knew was there in his eyes, smiling sweetly. I felt my heart skip a beat.

"M, you aren't doing anything wrong. You're perfect, and Dylan loves you so much. What you do every day… I can't even imagine." He reached a hand out to me. "You're amazing Maya…"  
I grabbed his hand and pulled him into a hug but the feelings of happiness never lasted for long.

He smelled like perfume… but not just any perfume. Sexy strawberry glitter, Tori's perfume of choice.

I pushed him backwards. "I thought you said you were with a group of all guys tonight." I questioned.

"I was…" He was a terrible liar.

"Then why the hell do you smell like Tori?!" I snapped. We both left Dylan's room not wanting to wake him.

"She stopped by for a minute; we were at Little Miss Steaks. She just said hey and gave me a hug that's all."

"Cam…"

"Look Maya if you're trying to say I'm cheating on you, I'm not. I live with _you_, I'm going to marry _you_, and I have a son that I love with _you._ Why on earth would I want anything else?"

"I don't know Superstar, why don't you tell me." I spat at him.

He took a step back, looking hurt and confused but equally as guilty.

I may be a leper these days but that didn't mean I didn't still hear rumors. I knew people were talking about Cam and Tori but I never believed it. This was the proof I couldn't deny.

I softened "Look Cam, please just tell me the truth…"

He took a deep sigh and fell back into the couch.

"Tori and I…" He trailed off eyeing the ground.

"Oh my god…" I whispered.

"But it doesn't mean anything to me I swear! I've just been so stressed out…" He tried to explain himself.

"And you don't think I've been stressed out too?" I tried to sound harsh but the sadness took over. "Did… you… did you two… sleep together?"  
"Maya…"

This was too much for me. "Cam, just go. We're done." I muttered.

"Maya… please."  
"I said go!" I screamed.

* * *

I woke up in a cold sweat, my face was wet with tears, and I had thrown my pillow across the room.

I laid there for a few minutes, the emotions still swirling around inside of me.

I had always thought that if Cam were here everything would be better. I always thought that he would take care of me and I would never cry and everything would be perfect.

But that was so childish; I mean teen relationships never last, especially when you have a baby involved.

Would that have been what Cam and I had come to? Fighting and eventually splitting up before Dylan was even a year old?

No, it was too much. This was all too much.

I got up and checked on Dylan, who was sleeping soundly. Then I grabbed the baby monitor and slipped out the door into the dark hallway.

Before I knew what I was doing, I found myself tapping on Dallas' bedroom door. When no one answered I pushed it open.

He was sleeping so soundly, I didn't want to disturb him. So I just stood there and stared at him. He looked a lot younger when he was sleeping… a lot… cuter.

I blushed at the thought and let out a small giggle. New fact about Mike Dallas, he was a light sleeper.

His eyes opened suddenly and he sat up.

"Maya… Maya what's wrong?!" He grumbled, not yet fully awake.

"Nothing... Nothing… I just had a nightmare and I…" How did I explain myself? Why was I even here?

But Dallas just smiled and patted the empty space beside him on his bed. "My door is always open Mama."

I should've taken a moment to think my decision through, but I didn't. I just went to him and got under the covers.

At first I laid there tensely but soon Dallas' arms found me and I snuggled in against him. It just felt so right, so comforting.

I told myself that this didn't mean anything. He was just a friend comforting his roommate.

But I knew it was wrong, in the pit of my stomach I knew. Because I knew perfectly well what this meant to Dallas. I knew how he felt about me, but I didn't care.

Right now I didn't have to care about any of that crap. This moment was nice, and it felt good.

"I have nightmares too…" He whispered.

I sighed a shook my head. "I wish they would just go away…" I muttered.

"I hear ya…" He agreed and I could feel him tense.

I looked up at him and into his dark brown eyes. You know, if you looked at those eyes a certain way you could almost pretend they were Cam's. And if you breathed in his scent and held it in for a while, it could almost be mistaken as Cam's.

I thought about kissing him, in fact I almost leaned up and did it but I stopped myself just in time and turned onto my side.

"Goodnight Dallas." I whispered.

I heard him sigh as he moved away from me. "Goodnight Mama."

I gave my own sigh and started to drift back into dreamland.

I had really really wanted to kiss him, but was it because I was delusional and trying to make him into Cam or because I actually wanted him?

Would I ever find the answer?

My dreams were filled with a collage of Cam and Dallas and the happiness they both provided.

But then I remembered the sadness that Cam had brought to me. I remembered the bitter, cold feeling I got when I thought of how he left me.

And I knew, I knew that if I let Dallas in he would only let me down. He would only leave me like everyone else.

I couldn't afford to go through that again

The word love can have many different meanings depending on who you're talking to.

And to me love meant loss.

And to me loss meant death.

Because Cam wasn't the only one who died that night in the greenhouse, along with him he took a piece of me. A piece I could never, ever get back and I was incomplete without it.

I was broken in a way that could never be fixed. Not even by Dallas, no matter how hard he tried.

* * *

**AN**: Just a little filler for all of you lovely people! I have some exciting plans over the next couple chapters! And spring break is coming up soon so I'll have lots of time to write. Please review and or PM me! I love hearing from you guys! _**Love you!**_


	14. Chapter 14

A week, a month, a year; the time passed like a shooting star. One minute I was junior getting through the year by taking online classes and the next I was back at Degrassi, almost finished my senior year. Dylan now knew how to walk and was beginning to talk a little bit. My mom and dad had returned from the hospital. My mom was doing better, but not by much. After a major blow out between me and Dallas, I moved back in with them. Dallas left his hockey dreams and me behind and went away to college. He's a year away from getting his bachelor's degree. He also is way more involved in Rocky's life.

It had been forever since I had gotten a call from him or from Katie.

Returning to Degrassi after a year away was hard. All my friends had new lives. Tori and Tristan were the president and vice president of the school and welcomed me back with open arms. Zig, now involved in a rougher crowd, never talked to any of us and avoided eye contact with me.

But I was doing alright, that is until prom came up.

Tori and Tristan were planning an elaborate masquerade ball for the senior class. And when I told them I wasn't planning to go they flipped out on me.

So somehow I got here, in a dress store downtown, with Tori and Tristan handing me things to try on.

"I already told you, I don't want to go!" I whined as Tori laced up a long, poofy, pink dress.

"Oh hush Maya; it's your senior prom you have to go!" She took a step back to admire her work. "I love this!" she squealed with glee.

She turned me around to face her and Tristan.

"Hmm…" Tristan looked me up and down. "She looks gorgeous but… it's not right, definitely not right. I get to pick the next one."

He handed me another dress.

"Tris," I whimpered "I've already tried on so many! None of them are going to be right!"

"Just put it on! I promise you, you won't regret it." He encouraged.

The dress was very elegant and pale blue; it flowed to the ground, and was made of silky fabric. And the best part, it wasn't poofy.

"Oh my…" Tori mumbled. Both of my friend's mouths had dropped.

"What? Do I look that bad?" I asked nervously.

When neither of them answered I turned around and eyed myself in the mirror. Surprisingly I looked really good. I wouldn't go as far to say beautiful but the dress fit me perfectly, accentuating my every curve. It also made my eyes look bluer than ever.

"You look…" Tristan started.

"Amazing" Tori finished.

"This is it, this is the one. No arguing, Tori and I are going to buy it for you right now."

They forced me out of the dress, grabbed it, and ran to the counter; leaving me to an empty dressing room.

It was nice to have a moment to myself. I still didn't want to go to prom… Dances weren't my thing, and I was tired all the time anyway, and I didn't even have a date, and who was going to watch Dylan?

I had listed every excuse in the book, but none of them worked, and none were the truth.

The real reason was… well… when I was a freshman I had always thought that I would go to prom with Cam. And I just couldn't help thinking about what it would be like if he were still here. And I didn't want any guy to see me in this dress other than him.

It was stupid, I know but I couldn't help it.

Who wants to take a teen mom to prom anyway…?

* * *

When I pulled up to my house, ready to pick up Dylan there was a familiar car in the driveway. I ran inside to find my sister sitting in the living room with a smile on her face.

"Katie!" I cried.

"Hey little sis!" She stood up and held out her arms.

I ran to her and hugged her as tight as I could. "What are you doing here?!" I asked.

"Well I'm on spring break and I'd thought I come visit you!" She paused. "I also heard from a little birdie that you're trying to protest prom."

I rolled my eyes "More like trying and failing… Tori and Tristan are relentless."

"Well I'm glad they're making you go, I think it'll be good for you. And that's why I'm watching Dylan that night. To make sure you have no excuses."

"I don't have a date and its next weekend…" I muttered.

"Yeah, yeah but you'll find one! You're just being too picky!" When I didn't answer she changed the subject. "I also heard you were living with Mike Dallas while mom and dad were away."

Ugh I knew she was going to bring this up! "It was short term; he was just helping me out."

"Alright, but you know how I feel about you two being together. He's no good Maya."

"Well you don't have to worry about it, we got in a fight and he moved away." I frowned and eyed the ground blinking away tears as I flashed backed to that night.

* * *

"I quit the Maple Leafs." Dallas had barely made it through the door before spitting it out.

"You _what?!"_ I asked shocked.

Cam's mom was in town and had taken Dylan to give me a night off. I was sitting in a pile of laundry.

"Here, let me help you with that." He said sitting down next to me.

He went to pick up a sock, but I slapped his hands. "Not until you tell me what happened!"  
"What's to tell?" He asked nonchalantly.  
"Oh I don't know, maybe why you would quit the job you've dreamed of your whole life?"

"Oh that…" he took a deep breath "You know, I just wasn't feeling it anymore…"

"Well in that case," I punched his arm. "You idiot! Do you have any idea what this means? We're screwed! Did you think ever stop to think of me, of Dylan?!"

"Uh yeah, that's kind of exactly why I quit."

"What?!"

"Look, do you actually think I would quit hockey for a stupid reason? I've been trying to quit for the past 2 years! I don't want to have to travel around and have an unpredictable schedule. I want to stay here and be with you and the little guy." Dallas explained.

"How noble…" I muttered, rolling my eyes.

"Hey! I did this for you! I want to go to college and get a real job to support you guys!"

"Dallas! We aren't even your real family; I don't need you to support us! It's not like we're going to run off and get married. Wake up Dallas, this isn't a movie." I snapped.

His eyes flared with the anger and rejection he'd been feeling ever since he entered my life.

"Oh, so when I'm rich we're family but when things are about to get tough you want no part of me? I see how this works… If you don't need me to support you then why are you here Maya?!"  
We both knew at this point, this wasn't about the money. It was the same battle we had been fighting since day one.

"I don't need anything from you Mike. I'm here because you asked me to be. So I think the real question is, why are _you _here?"  
"God damn it! Because I love you Maya! I don't know what else I can do to prove it to you! Cam's gone alright? He's not coming back, but I'm here. I'm standing right in front of you, and I will do anything you ask me to do!" Dallas reached out a hand for me but I backed away. "Maya please… just open your eyes and see that you and me, we work. You can't honestly tell me you don't have feelings for me."

"Moving here was a mistake…" I murmured. "I led you on and I'm sorry."

"Maya…"

"I'm moving back in with my parents. I'll start packing now."

Dallas was silent as I moved back to my room. "Fine, if that's what you want go ahead." His voice was full of pain.

I hadn't seen him since.

* * *

"Annddd done" Katie said putting the curling iron down beside me.

She was adding the finishing touches for prom.

Finally I slipped into the dress, Katie beamed at me.

"Oh Maya, you've really grown up into a beautiful woman…" Tears filled her eyes and surprisingly mine too. "Oh no don't cry, you're messing up your make up!" She licked her finger and ran it under my eye, fixing my mascara.

"Ew Katie, anything but your mom spit!" I cried, grabbing her arm.

Then the doorbell rang.

"Looks like your date is here," Katie smiled and handed me my mask.

I ran out to let Tristan in.

Neither me, nor Tristan had much luck finding a date so we were going together.

After taking multiple pictures, and gushing over how cute we both looked, Katie decided to let us leave.

"Make sure Dylan doesn't eat too much, and that he at least takes one nap!" I yelled over my shoulder as Tristan pulled me to his car. I felt bad leaving Dylan for a whole night so I could go to some stupid dance. "Oh, and if he starts crying just sing to him, he loves that!"

"I've got in under control little sis, go have a good time!" She called to me.

Tristan opened the passenger door for me. I hesitated, maybe I shouldn't go… for a split second I considered running back in but I knew Tristan would stop me regardless. So I climbed in.

* * *

The dance didn't start out too bad. Tori was there with some guy from our chemistry class but ditched him to come fast dance with us.

Everything was fine until about the third slow song.

"Oh my god…" Tristan whispered to me as we stood awkwardly by the punch bowl.  
"What?"

"Tanner Carlson is totally coming over here…" He hissed in anxiety.

The tall, artistic blond from our grade walked up to us. "Hey Tristan, do you want to dance?"

Tristan raised his eyebrows at me and then looked back to Tanner. "Sure Tanner, I'd love to!" He chirped and off the two went.

I was happy for Tristan, he had been crushing on Tanner all year, but now I was left to stand there all by myself looking like a loser.

Finally I decided to go sit by myself at one of the tables, but when I turned I ran into a tall, handsome man wearing a mask.

"Oh I'm so sorry…" I mumbled, trying to conceal my blush.

"Oh, you're fine Mama." A voice all too familiar said.

I reached up and moved the plain, white, straightforward mask off his face.

"Dallas what are you doing here?!"

"Well… I heard a pretty friend of mine didn't have a date so I came to help out. Plus I love crashing proms." He chuckled.

"Aren't you too old to be here though?" I asked.

"Let's just say I have my connections with the student council." He winked at me.

I looked over my shoulder to see both Tristan and Tori watching me. I'd get them later.

"So, would you like to dance?"

I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Strictly as friends of course" He added with a smile.

"Of course Dallas" I answered taking his hand.

AN: Two-parter because I'm crazy! Please review, follow, whatever tickles your toes! Oh and if you get the time, check out my new story She Will Be Loved and or my friend xxwinterbeautyxx's story Fall To Pieces. Love ya!


	15. Dreaming With A Broken Heart

"Late again Maya…" My manager muttered as I rushed into the dot.

"I'm sorry Candy it won't happen again!" I said wrapping an apron around my waist hastily.

"It better not. You know the rules, one more time and you're out. Now tables 1 and 2 need their drinks and 4 is ready to place their order." She paused looking around the room. "And clear off 7 and 8 while you're at it." She added just to make my life miserable.

I ran around trying to keep my job. By the time I got to tables 7 and 8, which were outside, I was already feeling flustered.

To my surprise however they were already cleared. I took a step back, a little irritated, just to run into someone.

I whirled around to see a familiar face.

Zig was standing there holding a tray full of empty dishes. "Whoa, sorry Maya!"

I looked him up and down. We hadn't talked since freshman year and now he was standing in front of me, smiling like we were lifelong friends.  
"What are you doing? Did you…?" I looked over to the two tables I was supposed to clean.

"Yeah, it's my first day. I thought I'd help you out." He told me simply.

"Your first day? You work here now?"

"Yeah, I'm trying to save up some cash for college."

"We already graduated and you're just now thinking about college money?" I laughed at him but I really didn't have room to talk. As of now I was working here the rest of my life.

Zig looked down "Yeah I didn't have enough for the fall semester. But with this job hopefully I can get in for spring." He laughed bitterly "Or at least be able to afford a text book."

"Better get back to work then." I said looking up to see Candy eyeing us from inside.

Zig looked almost disappointed as he nodded in agreement.

I looked at him for a minute. I hadn't realized how much I had missed the cute rock star I had left behind.

"But hey maybe after our shifts we can get a coffee or something, catch up a little." I suggested.

His eyes lit up "That sounds awesome."

I smiled and brushed past him before Candy could get the chance to yell at me again.

* * *

"After freshman year I started going to parties with this guy I knew," Zig told me. Our conversation had turned deep very quickly. After I asked how he'd been Zig launched right into the story of his dark high school years. "At first I just went along and stood in the corner and drank a little, but never enough to get drunk. I didn't get into the heavier stuff until junior year." He grimaced as the memories resurfaced. "After that there was no going back. I made my mom cry Maya… she was so worried about me. And I didn't even care. It wasn't until prom night that my eyes opened. A bunch of us went down to the ravine after getting kicked out of the dance for having alcohol. At first we were just having some fun… but then this kid Jamie brought the heroine… I had done drugs before, marijuana mostly… maybe a little crack here and there. But nothing like this… I ended up overdosing…" He took a deep breath "And I think I did it on purpose… I can't remember much about that night but I do know one thing. As soon as things got bad all the people I considered my friends just left me there. I had a seizure and they just walked away and left me in the bushes. If my mom wouldn't have come looking for me… I could've died."

I was at a loss for words. All this time I had thought I had it hard but I didn't realize Zig was going through that kind of hell. I felt guilty and sad for him.

"I spent a month in rehab after that… I missed graduation. They sent my diploma in the mail. It's a miracle I graduated at all. My mom can't even look at me anymore. I can hardly bare to look in the mirror. And I just keep thinking about freshman year and what I said to Cam and how I hurt you. I'm so sorry Maya…" he looked deep into my eyes.

I lowered mine and took a sip of my drink. "I'm sorry that happened to you." I whispered genuinely.

"Yeah, me too." He responded.

Silence washed over us. "How's Dylan?" He finally asked.

I looked up at him surprised he knew my son's name. "He's good," I said with a smile "He'll be 4 in October, it's kinda crazy! I'm not sure if I'm ready for him to go to kindergarten yet. I might wait until next year."

Zig smiled at me. "I really missed you Maya."  
I looked up into his broken puppy dog eyes and realized how similar we were. "I missed you too Zig."

And just like that Zigmund Novak had come back into my life like a firefly. Lighting me up inside and out. He was different yeah, but so was I. We had grown up and things had changed. But there was one thing that would always stay the same between us; and that was the comfort we found in each other.

* * *

AN: Hey guys! Short and sweet. I know I said before that I hate Zig but I don't know now! Please keep reading!


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: Happy birthday Jasmyn! Here's a short little drabble for your special day! I hope it was a good one!**

* * *

"Okay keep your eyes closed."

"Why? Where are we going?" I asked for the millionth time. After I got home from the Dot; my parents, Katie, Dallas, and Cam's mom along with Dylan were waiting for me with huge, suspicious smiles.

"You'll see!" Katie giggled. "But for good measure…" She tied a bandana across my eyes.

We were walking for a while, the others were chatting but I was just silent and filled with anxiety and curiosity. Then finally we came to a stop.

"Okay… you can look." My mom told me.

I slipped the bandana off my eyes and looked up. We were standing in front of a small, white, two story house.

"What's this?" I asked confused. I looked to Cam's mom. "Wait are you moving here?!"

Mrs. Saunders shook her head with a soft smile. "I wish I was. However, that's not what this house is for."

"What's it for then?"

"It's for you and Dylan." Dallas answered.

I looked at him for a second and then back up to the house. "You're kidding right?" I looked around to everyone else, they just smiled. "You didn't."

"We did." Katie said.

"How?!"

"Well you deserve a place of your own. You're 18 now and Dylan will be starting school soon. You work hard, so we figured this was the least we could do for you." My father explained. "So we put our money together and here we are."

I was in shock. "Can I… can I go inside?!" I asked.

"Of course," Mrs. Saunders handed me the key.

* * *

Slowly I took it and walked up the small path.

The inside was cute and cozy. It had three bedrooms and one and a half bath.

Dylan came running after me and found me in the kitchen. I grabbed him and picked him up. Mrs. Saunders wasn't too far behind.  
"Why a three bedroom?" I asked her.

"Well one for you, one for Dylan, and a guest room." She answered.

"Will you come stay with us sometime?"

She smiled "That was the plan."

I sighed "I just realized something."  
"What is that honey?"

"I've never thanked you for everything you've done for me. Cam…" I took a deep breath. "Cam was a great guy and he meant a lot to me. And I know he would want me to thank you."

"Oh Maya," She pulled me into a hug. "Thank _you."_

I pulled away from her "For what?"

"You've given me a wonderful grandchild, and it makes me happy to know that in the last days of his life Campbell was with a great girl like you. You're one of the strongest people I've ever met."

Tears filled both of our eyes. "I'm going to go look upstairs." I mumbled needing to get away from this situation.

I carried Dylan upstairs and wandered around.

Finally I found myself in the master bedroom. I set Dylan down and sat on the floor.

"Mommy, why are we here?" Dylan asked.

"This is our new house Dylan, we're gonna be living here from now on." I told him. "Do you like it?"

He looked around with wide eyes and then shrugged his little shoulders. "It's k."

I chuckled at him and instantly reminded myself of Dallas.

I looked up to the sky hoping Cam was somewhere up there watching us.

My family and friends had gone out of their way to help me in everything I did. Even Zig had come back into my life. Everything seemed to be going perfect. But it was only summer. In a month Katie would be back to school, Dallas was taking more classes, Tris and Tor would be off to college, and Dylan would be starting kindergarten.

It was crazy, it seemed like just a couple months ago I was just starting high school, and I had a crush on Zig.

I laughed at former me. How blissful it had been to be young and have my whole future ahead of me…

"Mommy, why you always look up?" Dylan snapped me back to reality.

I looked into my son's big blue eyes. This was the first time he had ever asked me a question relating to Cam. I knew he had no idea what he was asking me but my stomach still tightened and I had no idea what to say.

"Come on baby, let's go home."

A smile spread across his chubby cheeks. "We are home." He said with a giggle.


	17. Airplanes

I knew the day would come, somewhere deep in my mind I had always known. I went over it a million times in my head. Still, when the moment came I was speechless.

* * *

It all started with a ring; a stupid, pointless ring that threw everything into chaos. It was a warm week in May and Dylan was with my parents for the day. I was sitting on my porch enjoying the solitude when randomly Dallas showed up. He parked across the street and walked over to me nervously.

"Hey what's up?" I called.

He waited to answer until he was standing right in front of me. "Not much" He shrugged.

I rolled my eyes. "Doesn't look like not much. You're sweating bullets, what are you so nervous about?"

Dallas wiped his forehead with his sleeve. "Mike Dallas doesn't get nervous." He said more to himself than to me.

I laughed at him. "Whatever."

It was silent for a moment.

"I… I was just wondering, how you and Dylan are doing here? You know like living alone." He asked me.

"We're fine… It was weird at first but we've both gotten used to it." I answered.

"That's great!" He gave me a sad smile. Something was definitely wrong.

"Yeah…"

"So you don't need any help?" he asked.

"Help? I always need help." I told him.

"You know what I mean; here at the house, could you use a roommate?"

So this was what he was so nervous about.

I laughed "Did you get evicted or something?"

"No, no. It's just I spend most of my nights here anyway, it seems pretty silly to pay rent for an apartment I rarely ever use." He explained.

"So you want to move in?"

"If that's alright…"

I sighed; I guess I knew this would be coming soon. And after all that Dallas had done for me I could at least save him a few bucks.

"Well we do have a spare room downstairs, I guess you could move some stuff into it. But you'll have to pay rent."

Dallas's eyes lit up, but the nervousness didn't go away. What else could he possibly want?

"Maya…" he said in a low voice.

"Yes Dallas?"

"I… I'd like to think we'd be more than roommates."

"What?"  
"Well since prom, we've kind of had a thing going on… like a relationship."  
"I really don't have time to be someone's girlfriend right now Dallas, you know that." I interrupted. I didn't want to have this conversation now or ever. My feelings for Dallas were just confusing and frustrating.

"I do know that, that's why I came here today." He pulled a small box out of his pocket. "I know we aren't a typical couple, but nothing about you is typical. You are beautiful and original and the strongest person I know. I want to be with you and Dylan the rest of my life, I want you to let me take care of you. So Maya Matlin," He kneeled down in front of me. "Will you marry me?"  
What the bloody hell?! Was he high right now? Where did this even come from?! What was I supposed to say?! Oh god, I needed to say something and fast. His face was already dropping at my lack of expression. He should've expected it though, who drops a bomb like that on someone and expects them to answer immediately.

"Dallas…" I stumbled not sure what to say. His puppy dog eyes were smiling up at me hopefully. This had to be a dream.

"I'm not saying it has to happen now or even soon. You don't even have to tell a soul. I just want you to take this, to know that someday I want to marry you. To know that I will never leave you or Dylan."

I was still unsure of what to say. But if I could just forget my past for one moment the answer was obvious. I did love Dallas.

I flashed back to the day that I had Dylan and nearly died in the hospital. The day Cam came to me in a dream. His words echoed in my mind.

"_there's another thing Maya… about Dallas."_

"_What?" I asked._

"_He cares about you… he really does. And he's not that bad a guy. He can help you, let him help you. I see the way you look at him too, I know, and if he makes you happy, let him make you happy. Don't worry about me. If you love him…" He trailed off eyeing the ground.  
"I don't love him." I said firmly._

"_Okay… but if you ever do, don't be afraid."_

The word escaped my mouth before I could stop myself. Did I say it out of guilt, or sadness, or sincerity, or love? I had no idea, all I knew was I had said yes to Mike Dallas. I was engaged…

* * *

A few days later I was working the closing shift with Zigmund. My mind was still spinning and it was hard to focus.

"What's wrong with you? You're totally out of it." Zig asked passing me a couple of dishes to wash.

"Nothing… I'm just tired. I'm trying to get Dylan to sleep in his own bed every night but he's afraid of the dark. So I bought him a nightlight but he says he's still scared…" It was only half of the story, but it was the only half Zig needed to know.

"Have you ever tried singing to him? My mom used to sing to me all the time when I was a kid. It made me feel really safe and secure ya know. Her voice was just soothing to me, even though she wasn't much of a singer." Zig suggested with a laugh.

"I haven't sung in forever!" I told him.

"Well you should do it all the time, because you're beautiful…" I raised an eyebrow at him. "I mean your voice… your voice is beautiful."

"Uh huh…" I shook my head at him.

"I know that's not all Maya, what else is bothering you?"

"Nothing!" I said a bit too quickly.

"It's that Dallas guy isn't it? Is he bothering you because if you need someone to take care of him…"

"No. I mean no as in he's not bothering me." I answered.

"So is it is about him?" Zig frowned.  
"Maybe…"

"Come on Maya, you can tell me, we're friends!"

I thought about it for a moment. I really did need to talk about it with someone, but Zig… I don't know.

"You have to promise you aren't going to be mad." I said.

"I promise!"

"Fine," I took a deep breath and let all the water drain out of the sink. "Dallas kinda asked me to marry him."  
Zig stared at me for a moment and then let out an angry laugh. "You're kidding?!" I shook my head. "You said no right?" I shook my head.

"You're engaged to _him?!_ Mike Dallas of all people!" He was half yelling, his eyes flared with anger. "But you two didn't even date! Don't tell me you're pregnant again!"

"No! I'm not that stupid!" I cried. "You said you weren't going to get mad!"

He sighed. "I'm not."

"Are you sure…?"

"Yes Maya. I'm… I'm happy as long as you're happy."

It was silent.

"I got accepted into the Vancouver Academy of Music…" Zig whispered finally.

"Oh Zig that's awesome!" I said.

"Yeah… I got a pretty good scholarship and I already have a job set up down there and my own place. I'm leaving the first week of June." He smiled to himself "Mom's so proud of me."

"I am too. You've come a long way Zigmund Novak."

"So have you Maya Matlin."

* * *

That night I was putting dinner on the table. Dallas was still moving a couple of things into his room with a spring in his step.

After calling at Dylan to wash his hands multiple times and yelling at Dallas to stop whistling we all sat around the table.

I could tell something had been bothering my young kindergartener since he got home. However, he wasn't one to share his feelings so I would have to force it out of him.

"How was school today Dylan?" I asked him.

He shrugged.

"Did ya get a girlfriend yet?" Dallas asked with a smirk.

"Ew no! Girls are icky!"

"Just wait a couple years kid, you'll be humming a different tone then." He laughed.

We were all silent; the only sound was the forks clicking against our plates.

Suddenly Dylan looked up to Dallas. "Are you my daddy?" he asked.

I nearly choked to death right there. Dallas however handled the situation with grace and charm.

He smiled, "I'm afraid not kid."

Dylan frowned. "Oh, because all the kids were talking about what their daddy's do and I didn't know what to say." He looked to me. "Mommy, where is my daddy?"

_I knew the day would come, somewhere deep in my mind I had always known. I went over it a million times in my head. Still, when the moment came I was speechless. _

How do you tell a 5 year old that his father is dead?

I looked to Dallas for help. "Come here I want to show you something." He said.

Dylan followed Dallas to the front yard and they both lay on the grass looking up at the sky. I stopped in the doorway and watched.

"You see those stars up there."

"Yeah…"

"Well those are all the greatest hockey stars since forever. And every once in a while you'll see a star fly by real fast,"

"A shooting star," Dylan told him "We learned about them in school."

"But it's not just a shooting star. That star is your Daddy. He goes by so fast because he's much faster than the other players, better too. The best player there ever was."

"Really?"

"Yup."

"I wanna be as good as my daddy is so maybe one day we can play together!" Dylan exclaimed, a wide smile stretched across his face.

"Don't worry kid, you will be; with some hard work and dedication." Dallas rolled over to face my little boy. "And remember that your Daddy is with you always. No matter where you are or how bad things seem, just look up to the sky and he'll be smiling down at you."

My heart was filled with so many emotions at that moment; love and sadness mostly. But then there was the guilt. Even though Dallas had handled the situation beautifully, even though he promised to be with me forever I knew that somewhere far away little Rocky was asking Vanessa where his Daddy was. And there was no pretty little story to sugar coat your Dad bailing on you. Marrying Dallas was wrong, he didn't belong here.

I shook my thoughts away and fiddled with the ring on my finger. I looked up at the sky hoping that Cam was in fact smiling down at us, and that he would lead me in the right direction.

* * *

**AN: Sorry for the long wait! But I should be back for good now! Schools out, woot woot! I hope you all enjoyed this chap! And don't worry for those of you who want to see some Dallas baby mama drama its coming next chapter! And there will be some teenage Dylan very soon! Thanks for reading and supporting! _Love you!_**


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